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We will transport you to your family or a family of equivalent value, promises Network Rail

NETWORK Rail has promised all rail passengers they will be taken to their family, or a family of equivalent value, before Christmas Eve.

Following long delays last night and further delays expected today, the rail company has reassured customers they will spend Christmas with family and friends of someone.

A spokesperson said: “By the evening of December 24th we guarantee every traveller will be nestled in the bosom of a warm and loving family. Terms and conditions apply.

“To wit, it may not be a family you have previously encountered. The family may be in an area of the UK that you are unfamiliar with. Actual warmth of family is dependent on local circumstances.

“A cursory look around the concourse of the station you’re currently stranded at reveals you’re all the same, heading home for Christmas with presents under your arms. Why should we treat you differently?

“We’re prioritising efficiency above sentiment and make no apologies for that. How else are we to keep fares low?”

Joanna Kramer of Keele said: “Instead of our Leanne we’ve got a doctor with lovely manners and an armful of fancy gifts. It’s a significant upgrade.”

UK starting to feel the pressure of crispy roast potatoes

WITH just three days until Christmas dinner, Britons are starting to crack under the pressure of being expected to make perfect crispy roast potatoes.

Thanks to celebrity chefs, every potato must meet precise standards of crispness, goldenness and fluffiness, and anyone whose potatoes fall short should consider themselves worthless scum who have ruined Christmas for everyone.

Mum Donna Sheridan said: “I can’t take this level of pressure. What if the potatoes come out brown instead of the exact shade of golden on Nigella’s website? It doesn’t bear thinking about.

“Or what if I parboil them too much and they fall apart when I try to shake them in a pan like Delia says? There won’t be any lovely crunchy bits and I’ll have failed as a wife, a mother and a human being. 

“I’m sure my own mum used to just chuck the potatoes in the oven and spoon a bit of meat juice on them, but some things just aren’t acceptable anymore, like casual racism and not heating up the goose fat until it’s smoking.”

Sheridan’s husband Ian said: “I’d like to tell Donna it doesn’t matter. But it does. It matters more than she will ever realise. If those potatoes aren’t perfect we’ll be the laughing stock of our street. If people put dogshit through our letterbox, we’ll deserve it.

“Our only hope of restoring our family’s honour and status will be for me to commit hara-kiri in the front garden. I’ve already ordered the traditional samurai disembowelling swords from Amazon.

“It sounds extreme, but if the potatoes aren’t perfect, what is there to live for?”

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