Ugly munters running out of excuses not to get kissed

WITH mistletoe smooches now permitted, unattractive people are fast running out of reasons for not kissing.

The nation’s undesirable Morlocks have been left scrambling for excuses why they will not be kissing this Christmas after Sajid Javid told the public they are free to snog who they wish.

Solid three out of 10 Helen Archer said: “Us uggos had it easy last year, we could just pin our festive dry spell on the social restrictions. In comparison this Christmas will be the sexually abstinent death march we’ve come to dread.

“A group of us are currently workshopping plausible excuses for not locking lips but none of them sound convincing. Nobody will believe we’ve got a partner waiting back at home, and protests that our mouths are too dry will be laughed out of the room.

“It’s not like we can seduce people with our dazzling personalities either. Years of being grimaced at has turned us into cantankerous crones with no appealing qualities. We still have needs though, horrific sexual needs.

“The only sensible solution is that all us ugly people make out with each other. But none of us want to do that because we’d much rather canoodle with hotties.”

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Incredibly stupid times your partner decides to tell you something important

DOES your partner have an important piece of information they simply must impart? They’ll choose one of these inappropriate times to do it:

When they’re on the phone and you’re halfway out the door

Your partner is on a work call and you’re leaving the house for an appointment. However, that won’t stop them from mouthing and gesturing at you desperately while you’re walking away from them. Ignore them, whatever they have to say is pointless and will just make you late.

When you’re having sex

You’re in the middle of an incredible shag and you think your partner is too, until you open your eyes and see them looking at you critically as you hump away. It’s at this moment that they decide to tell you that they can really see your blackheads this close up and it might be wise to get one of those pore strips that rips them all out.

While you’re trying to parallel park on a busy road

You’re trying to squeeze the car into a tiny space, there’s a queue of impatient motorists building up behind you, and your partner thinks now is the moment to explain why you were wrong during that argument you had three days ago. You prang the car. Another, bigger argument ensues.

At the cinema

You’re watching a quiet scene in an emotional art house film and your partner decides they must relay a tedious anecdote about something that happened at work today. You’re horribly embarrassed about the irritated shushing from the row behind but you also can’t really blame your partner as the film is crushingly dull.

When you’re asleep

Your partner spent all day fretting there was something they need to tell you, but they’ve forgotten what. Luckily, they remember it in the middle of the night and wake you up and tell you whatever piece of trivial nonsense it is. They fall blissfully asleep and you lie awake for the rest of the night wanting to kill them.

Next story ›