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Five obvious gaps in the market for Christmas cards

THERE’S a sickeningly large selection of Christmas cards for people like partners, parents and siblings. But Clinton Cards is missing a huge and lucrative trick by ignoring these groups…

Neighbours

You’re not 100 per cent sure of their names. You think it’s Jane and Mike, but you’ve a nagging feeling it might be June and Mark. Now you’re too embarrassed to ask after being neighbours for six years. You could take a punt and get their names wrong, or you could avoid lasting social agony by giving them a card simply saying ‘Happy Christmas, neighbours’.

Secret Santa

You got roped in to the office Secret Santa, with its excessively generous £10 limit, but you drew Clare in accounts and she’s extremely tedious, not hot and can’t help your career. Give her a card with the message: ‘Hi Secret Santa buddy! I got lumbered with you but you don’t merit a present. Here’s a card instead!’ Use the £8 saved to buy yourself more chocolate.

Virtue signallers

People who pompously announce they’re not sending cards and are giving the money to charity instead are deeply suspect. They’ve probably trousered the cash but you can’t prove it. Send them a scathing passive-aggressive card that says: ‘This year I’ve decided to send cards AND donate money to charity.’ Then forget to hand over the charity money and buy some Scandinavian-style slipper socks that play Once in Royal David’s City.

Your toxic ex

Just because you dumped someone due to their cheating/boozing/life-draining personality doesn’t mean you can’t send them a card to gloat about how you’re free. Choose from messages like: ‘Have a happy Christmas – I know I will now I’m shot of you, shithead’ or ‘Best wishes, you cow. Hope your new boyfriend hasn’t run off screaming yet’. It’s probably psychologically unhealthy, but that’s what they said about Dahmer.

Your brother-in-law’s parents

You see them once every three years when you go to your sister’s house on Christmas day. They’re miserable as sin and have weird rules like you all have to watch one person open their presents before the next person can open theirs. You have to buy them something because they got you a McVitie’s savoury biscuit selection box. Give them a card with the ambiguous message: ‘Happy Christmas. See you in another three years if you’re not dead. Fingers crossed.’

Laughter only suitable response to request to do reverse cowgirl, women confirm

BURSTING into laughter and saying ‘No f**king chance’ is the normal response to the reverse cowgirl sexual position, according to women.

Although men who watch a lot of porn think it is the pinnacle of female sexual desire, women have assured them they are wrong, and also stupid idiots.

Lucy Phipps, 35, said: “Are you kidding me? To start with there’s the basic biological fact that my vagina doesn’t face that way. It’s just not comfortable, whatever Pornhub would have you believe.

“And then there’s the difficulty of having to bounce enthusiastically, which is absolute murder on the knees. I’m getting on and I’d rather save my cartilage for walking up a hill to look at a nice view when I’m holiday.

“It’s also a horribly unsexy position to manoeuvre into. Can you think of anything more awkward than arranging yourself over a man like a crab and then trying to impale yourself on his penis? It’s never going to be elegant.

“So all in all, it’s bullshit invented by men for men. They should try having a dick shoved up their passage from a difficult angle and see how they like it.”

Man Wayne Hayes said: “I’m still going to ask. Generations of cowgirls can’t be wrong.”

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