By Donald Trump
SO PERHAPS you’ve been reading the rubbish circulating in the gutter press.
Although admittedly very beautiful, those women are liars. And the worst liar of all, should she decide to come forward with her lies, is a highly attractive raccoon called Karen.
The false story starts one summer afternoon at a highly exclusive golf club, as I stepped out for a heated phone call with my legal team. Suddenly there was a loud rustling behind some bins, and there she was, tugging at a bag of chicken bones with her strong teeth and claws.
Karen.
I was immediately struck by her large eyes, providing excellent night vision, and lustrous striped pelt. “Let me help you with that,” I said, effortlessly dragging the heavy refuse sack out of the bin.
She didn’t just eat the meat from the bones, but crunched them up and swallowed them whole. Impressed, I immediately invited this strong, sensual raccoon back to my very high-end hotel room.
Later that night we enjoyed dinner out of a bin while watching clips of me on the news and then half an episode of Masterchef. I am too much of a gentlemen to describe what happened next, but a lovemaking session ensued.
Of course none of this happened, and if Karen comes forward with these allegations they are entirely fake. Also Karen, if you’re reading this, remember a lot of raccoons have traffic accidents, and nobody asks any questions. Nobody.
