SECRET Santa always seems like such a great idea when you’re high on festive cheer and that line of coke you did to get you through a meeting about fiscal responsibility.
But now you’re faced with having to buy a meaningful gift for Phillip from audit, with whom you’ve had a single conversation about the broken light in the disabled toilet. Which may not be his key interest.
Here are five totally uncreative gift ideas that say: ‘I’ve put no thought into this whatsoever and I could have spent that fiver on someone I actually know.’
Generic mug
A mug is a great way for the recipient to get hot drinks into their mouth, and unlike a cock ring it has no uncomfortable sexual subtext.
Three pack of Primark boxer shorts
Coming in a fetching array of grid-like patterns, these budget boxer shorts are the perfect gift for any man with a groin, or for a female recipient who would smile at the inference that she has a penis.
A sock with googly eyes stuck on it
When is a sock a craft project? When it has googly eyes stuck on it. Then it’s ‘Socko’ or ‘Mr Sock’, a faithful nylon friend who tragically lost his partner in a washing machine accident.
Catering size bag of Basmati rice
’Ooh it’s heavy,’ they’ll say. ‘I wonder what it is.’ Perhaps it’s a jumper or a nice coat from River Island? No, it’s a massive bag of rice.
Anal beads
Saucy and perhaps a little flirty, it’s a string of latex beads to be inserted into the recipient’s rectum during sex. A brilliantly broad-minded way to celebrate the birth of Christ.
