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Are you possessed?

FEELING tired and irritable? Probably it’s because you’re possessed by a demonic entity.

Are you in thrall to an evil supernatural being, or are you just lazy? Take our test to find out.

1. Why are there clothes all over your bedroom floor?

A. I live like a student even though I’m getting old. 

B. Whenever I see my wardrobe a terrifying croaky voice comes out of me saying things like, ‘I hate all my fucking clothes’ and I start chucking them everywhere. 

2. Why are you quite moody?

A. I ate two massive pizzas and three grab bags of Minstrels and stayed up all night watching Netflix. 

B. Often when I’m in the office I feel the need to be outside, because the restless animal spirit of a dead pet is still haunting my soul.

3. Why do you snap at your family and colleagues?

A. Because I get FOMO really bad, so I drink most nights. 

B. I got an electric shock off my laptop and this black energy went down my finger. Next thing I know my head is trying spin round and I started writing ‘I am Satan’ in biro on my best work shirt.

4. Why do you smell bad?

A. Doing laundry is boring.

B. It’s not a regular bad smell like BO, it is the stench of a decomposing witch called ‘Nanny Scratch’ seeking retribution for being burned 312 years ago.

Mostly As: You are not possessed, you’re just a basic human being who is unable to get their shit together.

Mostly Bs: Nothing is your fault because you are indeed possessed. Consult a Christian or see if you can become possessed by someone with actual life skills. 

Everybody quietly taking up smoking again

THE world’s ex-smokers have all quietly taken up the habit again because why not, researchers has found. 

Reformed puffers across the globe explained that have gone back on their healthy lifestyle because they have no pensions, no hope and no chance of a future.

Tom Booker said: “I hadn’t had a cigarette eight years until this week, but come on.

“My grandparents smoked through World War Two, my great-grandparents smoked through World War One, and if I’m to be forced to live through pandemics and the resurgence of fascism I might as well do it with a nicotine buzz.

“Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease is my retirement plan. I’m thinking of the children.”

Dr Helen Archer said: “We don’t recommend or condone smoking, but we can certainly understand it. ‘Think of the long-term effects’ rings a bit hollow when you’re facing multiple short-term catastrophes.

“Indeed, looking at the approaching environmental apocalypse, I can’t see any harm in smoking in bed.”

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