My other half is begging me to reconsider

Dear Holly,

My marriage has been troubled for the past 300 years or so. I feel Im left out of all the important decisions, Im never allowed control of my own income and we’d both be happier if we split for good. However, my other half has suddenly started begging me to reconsider, has promised things will be better if we give it another go and even offered to give cross-dressing a try. What should I do?

Scotland

Dear Scotland,

Have you thought seriously about the effect this split will have on poor, sweet Wales and Northern Ireland? Do you not think all this bickering is taking its toll on their vulnerable young minds? Youre too busy fighting to notice but those two poor little countries cry themselves to sleep most nights. Try to keep any split as amicable as possible. Otherwise you’ll get called into school and asked to explain why young Wales went totally berserk in morning assembly, punched a hole in the wall of the school gym and took a dinner lady hostage for six hours.

Hope that helps,
Holly

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Cameron asked to explain ‘effing’

PUZZLED Scots have asked David Cameron to explain the mystery word in his ‘effing Tories’ comment.

Across the country, people in offices, pubs and shipyards have been wondering what on earth he was trying to say.

Bill McKay, the Edinburgh voter who will decide the referendum, said: “Was he referring to the market town of ‘Epping’, perhaps?”

Downing Street stressed it was ‘perfectly obvious’ what Mr Cameron was saying and there was no need for further clarification.

But McKay added: “On the contrary, I don’t think it’s obvious at all. We’re a bit slow in Scotland. So we need Mr Cameron to go out on the Six O’ Clock News and say the word.

“In a Tartan hat. Just so we know.”

A Downing Street spokesman said: “If Mr McKay thinks the Prime Minister is desperate enough to… all right, he’ll do it.”

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