subscribe
/ Sign Out

Ask Holly: The idiots are rising

Dear Holly,

At last, at the coming of the Vernal Equinox with the new moon in Virgo, Donald Trump is vanquishing the Free World, Twitter has fallen to Kanye West and Frank Spencer is coming back for a one-off special on BBC One. Behold: the Idiots are rising and darkness consumes the Earth. So, with things ticking over nicely I was thinking I might take a short holiday, maybe a mini-break to Center Parcs with the kids, although I’ve heard it’s a bit pricey. Where is good for the little’uns but won’t cost the world?

Satan

Bishops Stortford

Dear Satan,

My mummy and daddy love going on holidays to anywhere as long as it has a Kids Club, because otherwise they might end up having to spend time with their own children. I don’t mind though, I really enjoy spending all day with a load of other kids I don’t know who suffer from behavioural disorders because their parents don’t want to know them. Most of the time we all sit and rock and eat Play Doh and long for someone to love us like they do in Disneyland. 

Hope that helps,

Holly

Duchess of Cambridge to guest edit Crafty Carper

AFTER spending yesterday guest editing the Huffington Post, Kate Middleton will today act as guest editor of Crafty Carper magazine. 

The Duchess of Cambridge, having become posh, is now obliged to join her Royal peers in trying her hand at jobs she is not remotely qualified for but will be praised for regardless.

Editor Bill McKay said: “We agreed thinking it’d be a quick publicity photo in waders and out, but apparently she takes it all very seriously.

“She’s sharing her signature bait mix with the readers — a handful of grasshoppers in with the maggots is key — and trying spearfishing for the first time by watching from the bank while a man from Special Branch does it.

“I’d like to say our readers will be delighted, but she doesn’t resemble a carp enough to really show up on their radar.”

Following her stint at Crafty Carper, Kate is planning guest-editing stints at Cosmopolitan, Auto Trader, GQ, That’s Life!, Advanced Carp Fishing, fetishwear magazine Skin Two and as director general of the BBC. 

Next story ›