Ask Holly: How can I ensure my retorts are always witty in future?

Dear Holly,
The other day I got involved in an exchange of words with a taxi driver and only later did I think of something funny to say, but by then it was too late. I realise now I should have shouted, ‘hey, you talkin to me? you talkin to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin to? Well I’m the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you are taking to?’ Thus using a shared cultural reference to imply the cab driver is a socially inept homicidal maniac. I’m disappointed in myself. How can I ensure my retorts are always witty in future?

Boris
London

Dear Boris,
Have you tried the delectable combination of a Fruit Shoot and a Sherbet Fountain? It’ll sharpen your wits to the point of genius. People will flock to you and bask in the intensity of your comedic aura. Just be
prepared for the crippling sugar crash that comes about 20 minutes after consumption. You’ll be paralysed by the bleakness of existence until you get your hands on some smarties to counteract the come-down.

Hope that helps!
Holly

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Britons ‘could solve logic puzzles if they wanted to’

MOST Britons could easily solve logic problems if they felt like it but have better things to do with their time.

Logic puzzles were also criticised for ambiguous wording that failed to spell out the solution and unrealistic scenarios such as castle guards who lie for no readily apparent reason.

Nikki Hollis, from London, said: “My colleague Emma showed me a puzzle about parking spaces in the Metro. I could have worked it out easily but I had an important yoghurt to eat.

“Also the puzzle was about all these empty parking spaces, which is totally unrealistic if you work in central London. Sorry, I’m not going to waste my time if they can’t be bothered to do some basic research.

“It’s like the man who’s got to cross a river with a fox, a chicken and some corn. Why would you buy a fox and some grain if you’ve already got a chicken? It’s an accident waiting to happen.”

Roy Hobbs, from Stevenage, added: “If a man’s got 12 pairs of white socks and 12 pairs of black socks, picking them at random to find a matching pair just makes him a stupid bastard in my book.

“Obviously I could have worked it out if I’d wanted to, in the same way that I could help my kids with their GCSE homework but don’t so they learn the more valuable lesson of coping with failure.”

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