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The train, and other places that make seeing a dog 10x more exciting

THE only thing better than seeing a dog is seeing a dog in a place you didn’t expect so you can say to whoever you’re with: ‘Look, a dog!’ Here are the most thrilling locations.

The train

When passengers try to wedge themselves onto your morning commuter train, they are inconsiderate shitheads. Unless one of them is a dog, in which case everyone needs to clear a path for the owner of this sweet, darling princess, and let her sit next to you.

The airport

A highlight for sure, as everyone can point and go: ‘Look at that good boy doing his job!’ It doesn’t matter that this crazed, cocaine-obsessed spaniel has no concept of what a ‘job’ is – he’s wearing a little uniform!

A passing car

Seeing some wanker speed past you in the left-hand lane is rage-inducing. Realising there’s a dog in the car, maybe even sat upright in the passenger seat like a proper person? Pure gold.

Work

Even for non-dog people, there’s no thrill quite like the anarchy a dog in the office will bring. Who will it bark at? Where will it throw up? And, most importantly, how long will it be before another company-wide email is sent about only bringing in animals that are toilet trained?

The pub

Pubs aren’t exactly boring places, but adding a furry friend can only take them to an even higher level. Especially as the dog will inevitably end up being offered a bit of someone’s pint, which will be the funniest thing to happen all evening, and possibly in the entire lives of the regulars.

The school playground

Last but not least, there is no more formative experience in a child’s life than a loose dog wandering into the playground. Not only is it a dog, it brings a manic energy, with teachers and dinner ladies falling over each other trying to chase the pup down. Truly a moment for the history books.

We'd want more sex if you were better at it, women tell men

WOMEN have collectively told men that the best way to make them want more sex is to become competent at it. 

Men are being encouraged to try the radical approach of making intercourse something women actively look forward to, rather than a mildly engrossing task like making a cheese sandwich.

Woman Lucy Phelps said: “Men spend vast amounts of time and money trying to work out which aftershave will attract women, how to manipulate us into situations which might lead to sex, and which tricks will turn sensible women into coitus-crazy horndogs.

“All of that effort would be better put to use learning where the clitoris is and not to treat it as a chew toy. And also that a blowjob does not constitute ‘fun foreplay for both of us’.

“Further to that, you should not tap your dick against a woman’s leg before you put it in, much less her face, and what the actual f**k is nipple pinching supposed to achieve?

“Kissing should never involve teeth-licking, which is good only for getting little pieces of meat out from between incisors. At least try to provide a more satisfying experience in bed than using a toothpick.”

Man Nathan Muir said: “I have considered asking a woman what might bring her the most pleasure but that would entail listening to a woman and, even worse, potentially doing what she says. 

“I’ve learned all I need to know from internet porn anyway. It’s all there, ball gags, MILF threesomes, bukkake parties, all the stuff women love.”

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