subscribe
/ Sign Out

The overexcited girlfriend's guide to meeting a cat on the street

ENCOUNTERED a cat on the street but do not know how to react? Keep calm and follow these step-by-step actions laid down by overexcited girlfriends.

Shriek

Upon spotting a cat, you should maturely acknowledge its presence by letting out an ear-piercing shriek that will shatter any nearby windows. Hand flailing and foot stomping is permitted but not compulsory as it may scare the cat away. That’s if your banshee-like screech of excitement hasn’t caused it to flee in terror already.

Go over to it

So what if the cat is on the other side of the road and you’re having a serious heart-to-heart with your partner? Leave them and blithely walk through busy traffic in order to say hello. Don’t waste precious time waiting for the green man, if you walk confidently enough drivers will slam on the breaks while shouting at you and blaring their horns.

Invent a new language

Normal human modes of speech and syntax are not appropriate when meeting a cat. Instead, you need to talk to it like it’s a baby, make strange noises that sound a bit like a kiss, and use made up words to describe how cute its lubbly ickle pawsies are. This will not impress the cat in the slightest, but rules are rules.

Touch it in all the wrong places

Manhandling a cat is a delicate procedure. The top of the head can be scratched, so too can the spaces behind the ears and beneath the chin. As for anywhere else, you’re taking your life in your hands. That’s unless you’re an overexcited girlfriend, who will heavy-handedly stroke the curious shape its back has arched into or its fiercely protected belly. Remember to joyfully power through the clawing.

Claim to have made a new friend

Ignore how the cat is hissing, swiping at you and angrily backing away. These are simply its silly ways of saying it likes you, so you can now call it a friend. If it darts up a tree or dashes off the second you look away, that’s because the cat can’t handle the size of its love for you and not because it hates you.

Five lame sickness excuses that clearly indicate you're hungover

PHONING in sick due to a heavy weeknight session? Try using one of these pathetic blags to camouflage your alcohol-induced misery:

Migraine

When calling work to claim you have a severe migraine and are ultra sensitive to light and sound, prepare your speech carefully, and also remember to mute the TV. Because when your boss hears the gunfire and explosions in the background he will sarcastically ask: ‘So which Die Hard are you watching to get you through your migraine?’

Norovirus

You’ve been violently sick this morning, which you know is from drinking seven pints of Guinness and five Jägerbombs, but your boss will believe is the winter vomiting bug. Until your colleague Darren, who is younger than you and more able to hold his booze, turns up and asks where you are, and then informs the whole office that you were absolutely off your face last night.

Covid

This is a get out of jail free card, you think to yourself, there’s no way they’ll ask you to come in with suspected Covid. Unfortunately your crushing hangover anxiety is going to get a lot worse when your boss insists that you send a picture of your positive test before agreeing to give you the day off.

Common cold

Everyone thought the common cold was over in terms of hangover excuses when Covid came along, but it has actually emerged as the victor due to the fact that no one can demand proof of whether you have it or not. Put on a croaky voice, which shouldn’t be hard after all those fags you blagged outside the pub last night, and prepare for a day in bed with Netflix.

Your child is ill

Poor little Toby has got a raging temperature and can’t go to school, so you’ll unfortunately have to take the day off to look after him. Blaming an innocent child is a foolproof plan, until your boss angrily reminds you that you haven’t got any kids, and tells you if you aren’t at the office within 20 minutes not to bother coming in ever again.

Next story ›