TWO drunken RAF engineers who tore a statue of Paddington apart have been condemned as ‘the antithesis of Paddington’ in sentencing. Are you this reprehensible? Find out: 

What would you order in a cafe?

A) Marmalade sandwiches, left to ferment under a dirty felt hat.
B) Anything else.

Your elderly aunt can no longer live independently. Would you:

A) Leave her to rot in an old folks home in the middle of a jungle.
B) Make room for her in your enormous central London townhouse.

You are unfamiliar with modern bathrooms. Do you:

A) Cause thousands of pounds worth of damage.
B) Ask.

When choosing an outfit, what’s your preference?

A) A slightly too short duffel coat that allows you to expose your genitals.
B) Jeans, T-shirt, maybe a hoodie?

Your foster mother’s appearance changes dramatically. Do you:

A) Say absolutely nothing because it’s really not your problem.
B) Perhaps just enquire as to whether everything is, you know, okay?

ANSWERS

Mostly As: You are utterly delightful, just like Paddington. Perhaps the two of you should go inter-railing together.

Mostly Bs: ANTITHESIS! Have a f**king word with yourself you filthy, wretched pervert.