Young people should miss a penalty, says Southgate

GARETH Southgate believes all young people should miss a crucial penalty at a major football championship as a learning experience. 

The former England manager, speaking at the BBC’s annual Richard Dimbleby lecture, said missing his penalty at Euro 96 made him a stronger and a better man in addition to netting him £40,000 from Pizza Hut.

He continued: “There’s nothing like letting your whole nation down to teach you a lesson in humility, resilience and indefatigability. And there can be no substitute.

“That’s why, as England manager, I arranged for as many young players to miss penalties as I could. Saka, Rashford and Sancho are all better players for it, apart from Rashford and Sancho.

“If it was up to me then every England game would end in penalties and we’d bring on young people who’ve been lost, abandoned and written off in life to take them. They’d miss, become stronger characters as a result and make Britain a better place.

“Because if I’ve learned anything in my life, it’s that success is much more than the final score. Except in football. That’s very much still run on a final score-based system.”

He added: “I turned down managing Manchester United. There is such a thing as too much failure.”

Wetherspoon's Steak Club is over and with it, Britain

THE pub chain’s decision to scrap Steak Club means the country has no future other than decline and depopulation. 

After Steak Club was retired nationwide, the UK can expect the abdication of the King, the dissolution of parliament, the clearing of cities as Britons flee to foreign climes and finally the closing of our empty, defeated nation entirely.

Jim Bates, aged 56, said: “There ain’t no party like an S-Club party, and it happened every Tuesday.

“Without it – without that slab of seared meat dumped indifferently on your table by a 19-year-old who’s not speaking to the chef after a regrettable hook-up a fortnight ago – what’s left? Of Albion? Of who we once were?

“The last bastion of our nation is gone. The one place you could have taken Henry the Eighth if he was cast through time and searching for anything familiar he could call England, and for under a tenner with selected pints.

“What is there left of the country we once knew? Even watching Pointless becomes hollow. I’m retraining as a yak herder and moving to the Hindu Kush. I suggest you do the same.”

He added: “In retrospect, making the first two rules of Steak Club not talking about Steak Club was a mistake. What? They weren’t? Well f**k me.”