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Joe Hart reconsiders pre-match greasing routine

MANCHESTER City goalkeeper Joe Hart is reconsidering his pre-game routine of greasing himself all over.

The player began rubbing every part of his body, including his boots and gloves, in goose fat after watching cross-channel swimmers and being impressed with their single-minded determination.

He said: “A thick layer of grease keeps you warm, reduces the chance of chafing and I just love the feel of it on my skin, but I have a nagging worry that it’s decreasing my effectiveness as a player in some way.

“I’ve tried all different kinds of grease, from lard to Fry Light, but lately I’ve begun thinking maybe it would be better if I wasn’t greased at all.”

Hart has decided to take the field ungreased for Saturday’s game against Everton, instead relying on the talismanic properties of wearing his lucky Heelys.

Blossom is the new essential box set

90s TEEN sitcom Blossom is the next US television must-see, according to TV connoisseurs.

Focusing on a girl in a floppy hat, the sitcom apparently carries a powerful subtext about the emasculation of men and the decline of American power.

Julian Cook, who is considered the ‘TV tastemaker’ among his social group, said: “Blossom has the depth of JD Salinger’s best work, except its makers chose the medium of colour pictures that move and talk.

“It’s the story – the saga, really – of a girl entering womanhood in a man’s world.

“Her absurd headwear represents the ongoing gay rights struggle, and the very special episode where Blossom has to buy tampons is a metaphor for the bloodshed at the heart of US history.”

“I wish I could watch your face when you get to the drugs episode, because whoa. It’s hardcore.”

TV fan Helen Archer said: “I’m not sure, last year I had my fingers burned by some box-set pusher at work telling me to stick with Treme because it gets really good after the first 16 hours.

“But after Breaking Bad ended I am televisually single, not in a relationship with any zeitgeisty show and increasingly desperate.

“Also I don’t want to be the one left in the cold next week when Blossom spoilers are flying around the office.”

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