subscribe
/ Sign Out

Ecclestone unveils Auschwitz grand prix

BERNIE Ecclestone has unveiled plans for a Formula One car pointing session through the grounds of Auschwitz.

The four foot-tall outrage perpetrator was given a boost after yesterday’s motorised spectacle in a human rights atrocity passed off without a hitch for anyone doesn’t live there.

Ecclestone said: “It will all be done very tastefully with the start lights in the shape of a menorah in tribute to fact the race is taking place during Passover.

“We won’t have the winners mount the podium and spray each other with champagne on the site of one of humanity’s greatest crimes as that would be tacky.

“Instead the drivers will have bronze, silver and gold stars sewn onto their jumpsuits. As long as the sponsors don’t mind.”

The race will be started by actor Ralph Fiennes firing a rifle from a balcony overlooking the starting grid while wearing a grimy vest and smoking a cigarette.

Meanwhile Ecclestone also wants to change the F1 rules so the cars can be lubricated with whale blubber and each race begins with the burning of the host country’s international aid budget.

He added: “If all goes well we’re looking at Jerusalem as a potential venue, provided we can drive straight through the Holy Sepulchre and get the Dome Of The Rock flattened to make way for a hot dog van.”

 

 

France is basically Hitler, agrees everyone

FRANCE has once again proved itself to be exactly the same as Adolf Hitler, everyone agreed last night.

The nation of malodorous collaborators was condemned after just under one in five of them expressed views held by at least one in five people in England.

Marine Le Pen, leader of the extreme right wing National Front, took 18 percent of the vote in the presidential election, causing Britain to reach for its large, foam pointing finger.

Using the big finger to type its editorial, the Daily Telegraph said: “France is once again teeming with Hitlers. According to our calculations that now means that everyone in Europe is a Nazi. Bad thing. Immigration. Churchill.”

The Guardian then used the finger to add: “Le Pen’s resounding victory is a dark day for social democrats like Francois Hollande. We can only hope that when she is sworn in as Fuhrer later today she does not have him executed.”

But as Le Pen pushed French support for fascism to it highest level since 1941, experts stressed that her manifesto may as well have had an Essex accent.

Julian Cook, professor of British logic at Roehampton University, said: “While the French tend to put their paranoid racists in one pot we like to spread ours around. Some BNP, a splash of UKIP and a dollop of ghastly working class Labour.

“But, overall, we prefer to keep the vast majority of them in the Conservative Party.”

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, added: “The French are a bunch of stinking, lazy xenophobes. I’d sooner trust an idiot Mick.”

Next story ›