subscribe
/ Sign Out

Derren Brown briefly awakens England cricketers

ENGLAND started their fight back against India after being released temporarily from a Derren Brown hypno-spell.

The side had spent the previous three days stumbling around the pitch as Brown clicked his fingers and made them eat raw onions and pretend to be hummingbirds.

India, played by a set of unconvincing actors, had been instructed to absolutely batter England around the pitch continuously while the sex-bearded illusionist smiled and whispered directions to them from the commentary box.

Alistair Cook, England’s head stooge, said: “As I walked from the pavilion yesterday I was convinced I was an 18th Century farmer surveying my crops when I noticed a man hurtling toward me with what I initially thought was a beetroot.

“Then it suddenly struck me – ‘oh fuck, it’s cricket’.

“But today I’m so very, very tired once more and it all now seems like a half forgotten memory.”

He added: “So am I an 18th Century farmer dreaming he’s a cricketer, or a cricketer dreaming he’s an 18th Century farmer? All I know is that I have an overwhelming desire to avoid travelling to Australia.”

Cricketologist Wayne Hayes said: “This test has been like the film Awakenings but starring people who are not as good at cricket as Robert De Niro and Robin Williams.”

 

Duncan Smith models jaunty, bright-red benefits cap

The government’s new benefits cap is a cheerful bright red and must be worn by everyone who receives state benefit.

Ian Duncan Smith, the secretary of state for Dickens, stressed the baseball-style caps must be worn at all times or the money will be withdrawn.

Mr Duncan Smith said the hats will also make poor people 28% easier to avoid.

He added: “Most benefits claimants are easy to spot, with their tattoos, hooded eyes and the tell-tale ring of chocolate around their mouths. However, a few of them do look like Normals.”

Sporting one of the jaunty caps Mr Duncan Smith asked: “Do I look bereft of all morality? Splendid.”

Claimants can choose between three different designs, featuring the words ‘dreg’, ‘flotsam’ or ‘effluent’.

If the wearer is still claiming benefits after a year, they will be forced to wear a second cap on top of the original, and so on.

Mr Duncan Smith hopes the policy will force most scroungers into work rather than having to wear an increasingly wobbly pile of hats.

 

Next story ›