ENGLAND must finish in the top four sides arrested for lewd and uncontrollable drunkenness during this summer's World Cup, Fabio Capello said yesterday.
The England manager warned that vodka-soaked Eastern Europeans now pose a serious threat while the Germans and the Danes are used to drinking out of huge beer glasses all night and vomiting on each other's feet.
Capello also repeated Pele's famous prediction that during his lifetime, an African team would get absolutely trousered and set fire to a nightclub.
He added: "The high altitude and cheap alcohol give us the best chance in a generation of being deported by the end of the second week.
"And the increased physical fitness of players these days means they can push each other round in shopping trolleys for hours on end until they get arrested."
Tactically England are expected to adopt a standard four-four-two with two rows of four players aggressively downing shots and nutting people with two more up front trying desperately to organise a spit roast.
Capello said: "We have some very experienced obnoxious drunken morons but it's often the younger players who drink without fear and provoke the sort of breathtaking 300-man brawl that can have everyone back on the plane and heading for Gatwick by sunrise."
As well as having the whole squad locked up for drunken violence, the Italian hopes to bring England's flair for freaky, fucked-up sex offences to world's greatest sports contest.
He said: "One player showed me some clips on his iPhone. I haven't been able to look at a jam doughnut since."
