GOING on a coach trip to stir up racial tensions with your arsehole EDL mates this summer? Here’s a checklist of things to pack in our current hot weather.
Sunscreen
After a pleasant day’s rioting the last thing you want is painful, peeling skin and the ‘lobster look’. Actually the last thing you want is ‘the Muslims taking over’, but that’s just paranoid racist horseshit, so instead focus on not looking like a boiled twat who makes people wince just looking at them.
Bollocks protector
Because your mates are f**king idiots, there’s a possibility of being smacked in the head by a brick thrown from behind, then getting another in the bollocks as you turn around – all of which would be a genuinely hilarious viral clip if the circumstances weren’t so horrible. Avoid missile damage to your genitals by wearing a cricketer’s groin guard. Or maybe don’t bother. The gene pool will thank you.
Bottle of water
Brits often underestimate the risk of dehydration, so carry a bottle of water at all times. It’s also handy for putting out flames if your Stone Island t-shirt catches fire while torching a car belonging to a random member of the public, which really shows the Islamist extremists who’s boss. That nurse’s burnt-out Vauxhall Corsa was for 9/11, you bastards.
12 cans of Strongbow
Whatever the issue, the way to get people to take your arguments seriously is by being extremely drunk. Don’t worry about it looking inappropriate during a tragedy – you’re just bravely proving to everyone that life goes on. And if you’re filmed saying something embarrassing, like the EDL member who famously rambled on cretinously about ‘Muslamic ray guns’, you can claim you were incredibly pissed rather than incredibly thick. Twelve cans of Strongbow is about right for your journey, but don’t forget to buy more once you get there and another 12 for the way back.
Face covering
British weather is unpredictable, so even on a hot day you should pack a face covering more suited to cross-country skiing in Norway. Oddly you don’t see families visiting National Trust properties with only their eyes visible behind a ski mask, or pensioners going to Rhyl dressed like drill artists, but they’ve only got themselves to blame if they catch a nasty chill.
Phone charger
On a day trip you don’t want your phone running out of charge when you need it for directions, taking photos and posting knowingly false, racially inflammatory tweets. Also if you get kettled by the now-wary police like your mates in London, playing Candy Crush Saga will help pass the five hours or so.
Inflatable neck pillow
Seasoned travellers swear by these handy items that allow you to get 40 winks on the bus or plane. For you it will be invaluable when you’re forced to sleep on the pavement after passing out and all your mates abandoning you as they head back down the M6. Don’t take it personally – they need to do a few lines on the coach to stop the paranoia about their bruised bollocks turning black and falling off.
