THE Newcastle United board has decided to alienate its few remaining fans with a new away kit that looks like a boiled sweet made from urine.
The kit was designed by lifelong Sunderland fan Tom Logan, who said he spent weeks searching for just the right shades of yellow.
He added: "I wanted something that said 'piss', but combined both the pale yellow of a poor person who drinks too much with the dark yellow of a person who buys rich food that they can't really afford."
The kit will go on sale next week, priced to meet the value for money expectations of gullible, colour-blind halfwits.
Meanwhile the board hopes its latest move will constitute the final straw so the club can finally be wound down and sold off at a car-boot sale in Whitley Bay.
Chairman Mike Ashley said: "I'll be honest, at this point we're so brassic we're accepting Nectar Points and handjobs just to make ends meet."
He added: "It's been tough – re-employing Keegan, absurdly expensive season tickets, Dennis Wise – but this should finally enable me to flatten St James's Park and use the land for raising goats."
Defender Steven Taylor, who modelled the strip, said: "This is possibly the biggest tit I've felt since joining Newcastle, and I spend most of the season being dumped on my arse while the opposition hoof the ball into the roof of the net."
Newcastle fan Martin Bishop added: "I've followed the Toon since Jackie Milburn but if I go around wearing that, people will automatically think I've just escaped from a parade that celebrates alternative lifestyles."
