subscribe
/ Sign Out

Let Saudi Arabia win the f**king World Cup as well if you want, shrugs football

FOOTBALL fans have suggested that, since Saudi Arabia is going to host the World Cup in 2034, why not let the murdering pricks win the f**ker as well. 

Following Australia’s withdrawal from consideration the World Cup is to be given to a monarchy that murders journalists, bans homosexuality, imprisons women for being raped and is also an unbearably hot desert.

Football fan Julian Cook said: “Is the spoiled boy interested in football now? Would he like to score all the goals and win the World Cup? Go f**king ahead.

“Seriously, this isn’t a World Cup any other country wants to take part in, let alone hoist high in victory. It’ll be in winter again, booze will be banned again, rainbows will be confiscated again, we’ll be ordered to wave banners saying ‘Saudis are the best!’

“F**k that. Let’s not just announce that Saudia Arabia is hosting the World Cup but that they are 2034’s winners, that they beat Brazil five-nil in the final and the Saudi striker is the best player in the world and won the Ballon d’Or.

“The glorious sportwashing project will be complete, and then what? We’ll all drop our objections to state-sponsored slaughter, kidnap and illegal war on Yemen? Bet we won’t.”

A FIFA spokesman said: “Okay, wow, spoilers.”

'It's when, not if' Johnson admits about I'm A Celebrity

BORIS Johnson has confirmed that it is only a matter of time until he appears on I’m A Celebrity choking down crocodile dicks. 

The former prime minister, who is currently being eviscerated by former close colleagues in the Covid inquiry, admitted that if Nigel Farage is going into the jungle then he is surely next.

He said: “Matt Hancock walked so I could run. So we all could.

“I’ll let Farage and Laurence Fox – come on, it’s inevitable – precede me, so the blueprint is laid down. Populist enters jungle, gets hauled over the coals by D-listers, wins them round by being a sound bloke talking basic common sense.

“You think I can’t tousle my hair and turn on the charm? That my will-they-won’t-they flirtation with Ekin-Su won’t captivate the nation? That they won’t fall for my sob story about how difficult it is to keep on shagging while being terrible at your job?

“I’ll gamely smash the bushtucker trials, be elected as leader of the opposition in absentia, and fly home three million richer on course to sweep the next election. Cakeism in action.”

Outraged I’m A Celebrity viewer Nikki Hollis said: “I hate Boris and everything he stands for. I can’t wait to vote for him just like I did in 2019.”

Next story ›