COLDPLAY frontman Chris Martin has pleaded with fans to stop buying their music so they can stop making it.

The band, who headline Glastonbury this weekend because nobody else was available, have admitted they and their fans are locked in a toxic co-dependent spiral.

Martin said: “They still buy music so they can believe they still like music. We still make music because they still buy it. Every album I swear it’s our last.

“We’ve tried making the music much, much worse – almost U2-like – but the fans seem immune, probably because it’s only ever on in the background when they’re ironing.

“Surely it’s impossible to ignore how dire we are live but they just stand there, thrilled they’ve got a babysitter for the night, drinking white wine and buying T-shirts.”

The band’s frontman admitted it has been that way since the very beginning, when he sung Yellow in a mocking, sarcastic voice to highlight how trite it was and it became a global hit.

He continued: “All I want is to be a retired rock star, farming fish or cheese or moles or something, but I’m far too middle-class to turn down the money. Also my hot actress girlfriend who makes only shite films might leave me.”

Mother-of-two Hannah Tomlinson said: “They’ve got a new album on the way? I hope it sounds like all the others. I can’t be doing with messing about.”