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GORILLAZ, the cartoon vehicle for Britpop’s Damon Albarn once nobody could bear to look at him, lit up the 00s but are they good? Or was it just the cool videos?

ARE you a football manager? Are you sick of the stress, the money and of winning things? Come to Tottenham Hotspur and end your career forever.

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was teacup pigs.

WAKING in a puddle of my own regurgitation lapping gently against my nostrils in the high breeze, I am approached by an enigmatic stranger.

BILLIONAIRE media magnate Rupert Murdoch is marrying again aged 92, due to these seduction techniques guaranteed to work in any branch of JD Wetherspoons.

TURNING on afternoon television to watch your husband smash his entire career due to a desperate miscalculation at least makes a change from Pointless. 

YOU’RE on a first date. Improbably, it’s going well. Even more improbably, you fancy him, but should you carry that through to full penetrative sex?

AS a serious music lover, streaming isn’t enough for me. I actually collect physical music on vinyl. Yeah. I know. Impressive.

You see life through rosé tinted glasses by being constantly pissed on Zinfandel.

WAKING in a Glasgow police cell, I realise that this particular occasion differs from the others as it is under the aegis of the King himself that I am incarcerated.