Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Parents, be sure to check your children’s Halloween sweets. There have been reports of sick individuals putting Bountys in there.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

The grass is always greener on the other side. And the snow is always yellower where the dogs have been.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Don’t be tempted to experiment with a Ouija board this Halloween. You’re already a gullible bastard who believes in horoscopes so there’s no need to advertise it.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

A friend says he has ‘an exciting project in the pipeline’. You’d find out more, but you’re worried he’s just planning a massive shit.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Ants can lift up to 20 times their bodyweight, which is still absolutely fuck all. They should stop showing off about it.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Films are too long nowadays. ET The Extra-Terrestrial was just 1 hour 45 minutes, and the Zapruder film was only 26 seconds.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

They say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade, but you can’t hope to compete with soft drinks giants like Schweppes. Looks like a popular humorous quote is talking shit again.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

‘The Devil hath power to assume a pleasing shape,’ said Shakespeare. If you see a particularly sexy octagon, under no circumstances have sex with it.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

As a Sagittarius you are a thinker, a seeker of truth who always needs to know more. How tall is Kirsty Gallacher? Who invented Lilt? Did Skeletor need to shit?

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Other famous Capricorns include JRR Tolkien. You haven’t created a vast, richly detailed fantasy world that has enchanted people for almost a century, but you have got weirdly hairy feet.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Aquarians always think of others, so befriend an old person this winter. Make it clear you want some good stories about killing Germans in the war, not boring shit about their grandchildren.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Have a spooky evening with adult friends this Halloween by telling scary stories about people with no pension who are still renting when they’re 50.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on… why Julia Hartley-Brewer's global warming bollocks can f**k right off

WAKING up I am dimly aware of a liquid sensation in my left ear. As I come to, I realise a cat is in the middle of a bowel movement, excreting directly into my ear canal. Ah, yes. I attended a drinks reception at Downing Street last night and must have fallen asleep in Larry’s litter tray.

After grabbing the animal by the scruff of the neck and drop-kicking it across the scullery into a tureen of soup, I return to my residence and peruse the periodicals over breakfast. I read that Rishi Sunak faced Keir Starmer for Prime Minister’s Questions and put up a robust performance against the Labour leader.

Holy fucking Joseph’s unused cock, you call that a fucking performance? That half-arsed Boris Johnson tribute act? That pipsqueak bluster? Crappy jibes about ‘North London’ and Starmer being in cahoots with Jeremy Corbyn? Sure, that makes fucking sense. There’s the two of them cuddled up in bed in their North London townhouse, eating fucking tofu sandwiches while the rural regions and coastal areas starve. Utterly fucking brazen, brass bollocks that’d fetch you £135 a bollock if you tried to flog them on fucking Antiques Roadshow!

Kanye West has lamented that he lost $2 billion due to his comments about Jewish people. He was also escorted from Skechers HQ when he attempted negotiations for a sponsorship deal.

Aw, well there’s a fucking shame. No idea what you’re doing sponsoring trainers, you should be sponsoring fucking jackboots! Listen, you mystifyingly famous streak of racist scum, you don’t have fucking mental health issues. You don’t have misunderstood genius issues. You have cunt issues. You are a cunt, simple as.

The BBC invited political commentatorJulia Hartley-Brewer onto the panel of their flagship show Question Time. She was of the opinion there was no scientific consensus on climate change and that recent unseasonal temperatures were ‘just weather’.

I’m often asked, in my line of work, ‘Does God exist?’ I answer neither ‘Yes’ nor ‘No’. I simply say ‘Julia Hartley-Brewer’. Some people walk away confused but I think you get my fucking drift. In a world where God did exist, you wouldn’t get to shitspread your smugly ignorant, supremely fucking ill-informed, far-right, mind-shrinking poison across the fucking airwaves at the fucking licence payer’s expense. You’d be plodding down the fucking High Street in a dressing gown pushing a Lidl trolley containing everything you owned, hollering your nonsense into the fucking void where it belongs! Fuck, and I can’t emphasise this enough, off!

Finally, Elon Musk has announced his takeover of Twitter. He explained that his mission is to ‘help humanity’ and preserve ‘the future of civilisation’. It is thought he may restore the account of Donald Trump.

God’s ancient fucking scrotum, ‘help humanity’? Ever fucking occurred to you there might be a fucking easier way for you to help humanity than amplifying Nazis and nutjobs on social media, you deluded dickwaver? You’re a ludicrous fucking goblin sitting on a giant pile of fucking cash. You know what’d help humanity? Build another rocket with room enough in the cockpit for you, Donald Trump, Kanye West, Julia Hartley-Brewer and a few other cunts and fire it in the general direction of fucking Neptune!