WAKING up with a hangover that, I note in the mirror, is causing my head to glow bright green, I decide the only way to settle the matter of whether Catholicism or Protestantism is the better form of Christianity – Methodists, like the Liberal Democrats, do not count – is with a pissing contest.
I have one of my clerks publicly issue a challenge to this effect, addressed directly to His Holiness Pope Francis, to take place in the neutral country of Belgium. Although initially reluctant, the Pontiff is urged by his advisors to agree to the contest. And so, to great international interest, myself and my team and Pope Francis and his people assemble by a tall wall in the city of Ghent.
A local official declares ‘Let the urination commence!’ and I go first, achieving an impressive height of eight feet, having filled my bladder to the hilt. Pope Francis follows; despite his frailty, he attains an astonishing height of 40 feet. However, following an inquiry, a length of firehouse is discovered beneath the Pontiff’s white raiment. The contest ends in fist fights and chaos and is declared abandoned.
And so, this great truth unresolved, I return to London, take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that the government have succeeded in passing a bill cutting winter fuel allowance for all but the poorest pensioners. It was considered important that they not back down so as not to look ‘weak’.
Well, fuck me without pulling my trousers down, better a few hundred pensioners freeze to death to save a fucking pittance than Keir Starmer should look ‘weak’! Are you shitting us? That fucking train left years ago! He’s the walking epitome of weak, a startled, fatuous, piggy-eyed, shortarsed, droning, already-loathed sweaty fucking pissflap! Nothing says ‘strength’ like making skint pensioners eat their pets to keep warm! And they’re not exactly going to be rushing to vote Labour next time, are they? The only positive you can claw back from this mess is that at least some of them will be fucking dead!
Robert Jenrick is now considered the frontrunner to be the new leader of the Conservative Party.
Fucking hell, Jenrick? That jowly pillar of fucking gammon fat? That thick, sadistic shower of fucking sadism, whose most notable achievement was to insist a mural at a refugee centre be painted over because… cunt? I’ll tell you what to do – vote for him! Fucking do it, ranks of Tory scum! Elect this human stake in the heart of any hope the Conservatives have of being reelected before the year 2050! Better still, vote for Kemi! Then we won’t have to put up with you till fucking 3000!
Dave Grohl of The Foo Fighters has hit the headlines after his revelation that he fathered a child with a woman who was not his wife. Grohl, who already has three daughters, promised to be a ‘loving and supportive parent’ in his social media announcement about the child.
Fuck’s sake, man! Is it really that hard to keep your fucking dick in your trousers? You know, with this whole ‘husband and father’ thing you’ve got going on? One job, that’s all you had to do – dick in trousers and free of disease. But oh no, you’re such an attention-craving fucking pillock you can’t do that, can you? And I’ll tell you what – it fucking smacks of compensating for only being the drummer in Nirvana. Tough shit. Drummers don’t get as many blowjobs because they’re weird nerds who sit at the back. That’s just how God fucking made it.
Finally, Donald Trump raised eyebrows with some of his remarks in this week’s debate with Kamala Harris by asserting that Haitian immigrants in Ohio were eating the cats and dogs of residents and that Harris ‘wants to do transgender operations on illegal aliens who are in prison’.
You know, we’ve all had a fucking laugh at Trump, but cunting fucking Christ on a dead donkey, how is a man like this, not just a fucking Nazi-in-waiting, not just a lying, pouting, gigantic man-baby, but someone in an advanced state of delirium who clearly belongs on a drip in a pair of diapers in a hospital ward, how the fuck is he still in with a chance of RUNNING THE FUCKING WORLD? We have Donald Trumps in the UK! We put them in fucking care homes! Only in America, the worst but unfortunately most powerful country in the world, do they think of putting them in charge of absolutely fucking everything!
