YOU’VE achieved the unachievable, defied the limitations of your body and personality and found someone willing to fuck you regularly. Well done.
But there’s a real body of scientific evidence linking heterosexual coupling and pregnancy. So you need to use contraception, but which will inhibit your sex life the most?
Condoms
Perfect for anyone who likes a firm dividing line between foreplay and penetrative sex, and likes to spend it faffing around trying to get the slippery fuckers out of their foil and onto a rapidly deflating dick. Logistically it’s enough to make you go all-oral. But they’re easy to buy and keep around and you bought a 12-pack, so you stick with it.
The pill
The preferred option of men, remembering to take a pill every day is a great way for women to wonder if one simultaneous orgasm every four months is worth it. Forgetful? Paranoid? Or simply not a big fan of STIs? Save yourself the stress as you’ll end up using a condom just in case anyway.
Implant
Why not enjoy minor surgery so your boyfriend doesn’t have to pull out just as he’s enjoying himself? After all, there’s no way he’d do the same for you. Getting a contraceptive sewn under your skin is like something in a sci-fi movie, but with superpowers of irregular periods, anxiety, weight gain and getting spunked up while remaining baby-free.
Diaphragm
All the stress and more of the mess of a condom, but this time it’s all up to the woman. If you’re confident you’ll still be horny even after you’ve dicked around reapplying spermicide each time you have sex, go ahead and get one. And later, cystitis.
Coil
That this is still a popular choice when it promises longer, heavier periods shows how shitty all the other options must be. The upside is once it’s up there you won’t have to think about it! Your boyfriend might though, because he’s repeatedly plunging his dick into a wire trap. It won’t stop him.
Withdrawal
Do you trust a man who forgets where his car keys are every fucking day to remember to pull out of you at the moment when he’s at his most distracted? You’ll spend the entire sexual act wondering whether the moment has come and hoping he’s judged it right. He only has to get it wrong once.
Vasectomy
A bulletproof contraception method with the added bonus of triggering a crisis of manhood in the gentleman involved. It seems the ideal option to anyone who doesn’t have a penis, but for those who do, there is little more chilling than the thought of someone taking a scalpel to their scrotum. Also, any man who’s had the snip will cheat for sure.
No contraception whatsoever
The most batshit insane and popular option. Think contraception fucks sex up? Try having a child. Introducing a baby into your life so you can snap at each other through a fog of exhaustion and resentment is the most effective of contraception of all.
