SAVE yourself the expense and embarrassment of buying bona fide sex toys and use these deeply unsexy household items instead, which isn’t embarrassing at all. You’ll never look at your egg timer the same way again!
Pack of dry spaghetti
Who needs a professional flogging paddle when you can thwack your boyfriend’s arse with a pack of Napolina? If that fails to get you both off, cook it and eat if from opposite ends like in Lady and the Tramp for a more romantic experience. Maybe give it a quick ‘sniff test’ first.
Egg timer
Surely the original idea for the modern-day Love Egg came from an unfulfilled 50s housewife getting frisky with an egg-timer? The shape is ideal and you can choose exactly how many minutes and seconds you want of foreplay before the full-scale ring-a-ding vibration happens. The only issue may be getting it out again afterwards, but what are A&E departments for?
Bottle brush
Specially designed to fit into unwelcoming holes, the overpriced bottle brush you bought with your stainless steel water bottle could make an ideal sex companion. You never actually get round to washing your bottle so you may as well use it for something. Perhaps give it a quick bleach before you pop it back by the sink.
Electric razor
Don’t say you’ve never been shaving and thought, how about I wedge this sharp object down my pants and go to town on my fruity bits? Top tip: remove the blade first. If you can’t do that, use your boyfriend’s all-purpose trimmer with a nice big beard attachment to keep that buzzing blade safely away from your most sensitive bits. Don’t bother with washing it for him afterwards. It’s sexy, or something.
Dyson Gen5 Outsize cordless vacuum cleaner
With an RRP higher than most people’s monthly mortgage payments, this vacuum cleaner damn well ought to be able to suck you off. Those stories about perverts losing penises and getting their innards getting sucked out through their bumhole are just urban myths, right? Although try it on your partner first.
Sofa
Why waste your time mourning the end of your last sexual relationship when you could be sparking up a new one with your sofa? Dependable, immobile and distinctly less prone to pressuring you into anal sex, your sofa is the ideal partner. So straddle that armrest and grind away. Actually falling in love with your sofa is a bit strange, some would say ‘abnormal’, but fuck it, he’s a great listener.
