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Unexpected household objects that can double as sex toys, with the Mash sex columnist

SAVE yourself the expense and embarrassment of buying bona fide sex toys and use these deeply unsexy household items instead, which isn’t embarrassing at all. You’ll never look at your egg timer the same way again!

Pack of dry spaghetti

Who needs a professional flogging paddle when you can thwack your boyfriend’s arse with a pack of Napolina? If that fails to get you both off, cook it and eat if from opposite ends like in Lady and the Tramp for a more romantic experience. Maybe give it a quick ‘sniff test’ first.

Egg timer

Surely the original idea for the modern-day Love Egg came from an unfulfilled 50s housewife getting frisky with an egg-timer? The shape is ideal and you can choose exactly how many minutes and seconds you want of foreplay before the full-scale ring-a-ding vibration happens. The only issue may be getting it out again afterwards, but what are A&E departments for?

Bottle brush

Specially designed to fit into unwelcoming holes, the overpriced bottle brush you bought with your stainless steel water bottle could make an ideal sex companion. You never actually get round to washing your bottle so you may as well use it for something. Perhaps give it a quick bleach before you pop it back by the sink.

Electric razor

Don’t say you’ve never been shaving and thought, how about I wedge this sharp object down my pants and go to town on my fruity bits? Top tip: remove the blade first. If you can’t do that, use your boyfriend’s all-purpose trimmer with a nice big beard attachment to keep that buzzing blade safely away from your most sensitive bits. Don’t bother with washing it for him afterwards. It’s sexy, or something.

Dyson Gen5 Outsize cordless vacuum cleaner

With an RRP higher than most people’s monthly mortgage payments, this vacuum cleaner damn well ought to be able to suck you off. Those stories about perverts losing penises and getting their innards getting sucked out through their bumhole are just urban myths, right? Although try it on your partner first.

Sofa

Why waste your time mourning the end of your last sexual relationship when you could be sparking up a new one with your sofa? Dependable, immobile and distinctly less prone to pressuring you into anal sex, your sofa is the ideal partner. So straddle that armrest and grind away. Actually falling in love with your sofa is a bit strange, some would say ‘abnormal’, but fuck it, he’s a great listener.

Let Dame Judi be the judge: Should I start having a bottle of whiskey for breakfast?

Dame Judi Dench, award-winning actor and certified national treasure, answers your moral quandries.

Dear Dame Judi,

Let me start by saying I’m a very fit and healthy chap. I go to the gym three times a week and I always have my five fruit and veg a day, even if it means doing something embarrassing like eating a banana while watching a football match.

The other day I was enjoying a breakfast of porridge with whey protein and blueberries when I got a sudden urge to pour myself a big glass of Glenfiddich. I did, and it felt brilliant! I don’t really drink except on special occasions, but it got me thinking that maybe I should make breakfast an exception to my strict diet, and start having a whole bottle of whisky instead of my usual kale smoothie. 

I mean, what’s the point of all the weightlifting and macro-counting if I can’t enjoy myself? 

Please help. 

Robert, Hertfordshire

Dear Robert,

Lovely to hear from you, and thanks for outlining how healthy and toned you are. It certainly gave me something to think about while I was filming a disgusting kissing scene with an elderly gent earlier today. I’ve been on at my agent, but for whatever reason they refuse to cast me in a project that would really challenge me as an actor – that is, an unsimulated sex scene with Paul Mescal. Oh well.

Your problem is one of the toughest I’ve had to face during my tenure as an Agony Dame. On the one hand, whisky is lovely. On the other, you can’t really turn up pissed to work, even if you’re one of those modern types who fannies about at home instead of going into the office. 

Being drunk on the job is the kind of thing that despicable twat James Bond would do, and needless to say I have no patience with fucking arseholes like him.

My advice is to build up your tolerance over a number of months, ‘micro-dosing’ hard liquor over the course of a day until sinking a massive bottle of booze at 8am is nothing to you. Did you know that they do small bottles of alcohol now, specifically for this purpose? Whenever I’m in duty free I always pick up some miniatures so I can slug a few over a filming day. If anyone sees the bottles in the bin at work, just blame the make-up artist (or in your case, a colleague who sits nearby). They might get fired, but it’s for the greater good. 

Your strict regimen tells me you have the self-control and patience to make this really work for you. But if you ever need some moral support and the names of some cheap offies, I’ll DM you my phone number, email and home address. 

Love,

Dame Judi, CH, DBE

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