SO impressed with yourself you’ve decided you’re too good for ordinary orgasms? Want to have the kind of exclusive seven-star M&S orgasm others simply cannot achieve?
Reach beyond the everyday dockers’ spunk-shoot with these climax-plus tips guaranteed to put extra splash into your waterfall. And if they fail to work it’s your fault:
Abandon orgasm as a goal
‘There’s more to sex than an orgasm,’ says nobody worth listening to. Why, in the name of Sting, would anyone put up with all those secretions and odours and wiry hairs without the promised flash of ecstasy at the end of it? Nobody’s even going to bother pulling their jeans down to their knees. You’re not in this for the long game.
Genital-focused exercise
Get the blood flowing down there and reactivate your libido, you were promised when you signed up for a 5K. But now your hamstrings are so sore you wince watching porn and fall asleep during foreplay. The testosterone could be flowing through you like it was through Lance Armstrong in 2003, but you’re too knackered to know.
Delay gratification
Practised by the many, many boyfriends who never bothered to make you come, this time it’s a choice. Carrying each other to the very edge of climax then backing tantalisingly away is perfect for those with too much time and energy, ie the young who can orgasm twice an hour anyway. For you, with zero patience or restraint, it’s less popular and would eat into your nightly ritual of staring dead-eyed into space questioning your life choices.
Time it perfectly
Ladies, if you’re chasing the multiple orgasm dragon, get f**king during that hot, hot, 48 hours at the beginning of your cycle when you’re ultra sensitive and up for it. Except he’s bound to have a work trip those specific days, or to gorge on curry, and you’ll end up pleasing yourself because you’re super horny so when you actually have sex you’ve already come and fake it to stop him being crestfallen.
Up your connection
Forget foreplay of the frottage kind and try just being with your sexual partner. Choosing to communicate in person, not through Instagram, and spending a long evening not watching TV. Everyone who knows anything about good sex reaps the benefits of this advice. You both agree you’ll take a slightly worse orgasm over this torture.
Put in the work
The more you put in, the more you get out. But life is short and films are long. Can you be arsed spending the ever-decreasing years between now and the grave researching and applying better orgasm techniques? The perfunctory climaxes you’ve been managing so far will do just fine. Admit defeat and get your highs from hi-fi turntables and Bake-Off blooper reels.
