WANT to rawdog without the health risk of taking the pill or the greater health risk of childbirth? Then it’s time for him to step up and get neutered.
Though don’t use that phrase, perpetuate the cruel lie that it isn’t painful, and pressure him into it as you would any mundane chore like the bins. Except it’s his scrotum being sliced by a scalpel. Use these fun and effective methods:
Quit contraception
Drop the pill, place your coil on the mantelpiece, let the children play with your diaphragm in the bath. Make it perfectly clear that him coming in you is a terrible risk and no, that doesn’t mean he can feel free to come on you. It’s like Russian roulette without the happy ending of eternal peace. He’ll crack.
Make unrealistic promises
Even more of the carrot if he’ll only lightly mutilate his stick: offer rewards like bottomless fellatio, a foursome with your two hottest mates, a get-out-of-cunnilingus-free card, all the good stuff. He knows it’s a lie, you know it’s a lie, his naive, trusting penis will fall for it only to be betrayed the minute it’s out of the operating theatre.
Book him in
With the busy lives we lead, half the battle is getting around to booking the appointment, right? It’s on the to-do list but he never quite manages? If that’s what’s holding him back, present him with a date and time. Chances are he’d rather have a pair of scissors rammed up his urethra – the official procedure – than faff around calling up to cancel.
Host a party
Plan a Snip Barbecue on the day of the appointment and invite everyone you know. Disappointing you is easy; disappointing, his friends, work colleagues and Linda from next door is quite another. Plus nothing’s quite so bad when there’s a chargrilled chicken leg on the other side and having your junk lasered like James Bond – the official procedure – is no exception.
Get all his mates to do it
Go through his phone and use the technique of unrealistic promises above, ie tell them you’ll fuck them, to persuade all his mates to have vasectomies. He’ll feel like a total loser when he’s the only one on the Whatsapp Footie group who’s not firing blanks.
Refuse sex
Every day he refuses to voluntarily opt to have his balls sawn open and TNT placed inside – the official procedure – you take another sex act off the table. By the time you’re down to holding hands as you sit four feet apart on the sofa, he’ll surely crack.
Call him a pussy
A bit of classic playground bullying never missed the mark. If he doesn’t react to the name-calling, try throwing his lunch up a tree or following him around at work muttering ‘snippy snippy snip snip’. Eventually it’s simpler to get his cock done.
