WILL Ryan Whittaker, who hopes to meet The One, and Lucy Parry who for f**k’s sake doesn’t want commitment right now, work it out?
Ryan on Lucy
First impression?
Wow. Just… incredible. Stunned. This could be it.
How was conversation?
Couldn’t have been more natural, as if we’d been lovers in a previous life. Or lives. She felt my sincerity when I said I was only on the apps to get off the apps. She knew I was for real.
Memorable moments?
Weird to say but just flashes: her smile, her eyes, peals of laughter, an air of innocuous elegance. The rest is a joyous blank.
Favourite thing about Lucy?
She’s so small but perfectly formed, a pocket Venus. But I would say perfectly capable of bearing children.
A capsule description?
The end of my journey. The sunlight after night.
Was there a spark?
A steady flame. A boiler pilot light that will never go out.
What happened afterwards?
We parted swiftly. There was no need to linger. Our fate is set in stars.
What would you change about the evening?
By the end of the evening Lucy had become a little… uncommunicative? I love to bask in her radiance and by definition there will never be an awkward silence between us, but still. She did stop talking.
Will you see each other again?
I’m picking out a ring.
Lucy on Ryan
First impression?
Oh Jesus he’s doing the look. He’s doing the f**king look. Why does this always happen to me?
How was conversation?
What is about me that sets them off? Is it being short? Having brown eyes? Whatever my ex described as ‘girl-next-door vibes’? Why do I always get pledged their eternal troth? Conversation? Yeesh, settling down and all that shit.
Memorable moments?
About as many as my last J-Lo romcom. Yeah, that bad.
Favourite thing about Ryan?
He is better looking than the last bloke who promised to love me eternally but not the one before that. It happened three times at one party once. I was a wreck. Why can’t I meet men who believe relationships need a run-up?
A capsule description?
Puppy-dog eyes. A knowing, beatific smile. Not a f**k in him.
Was there a spark?
It drowned in an ocean of wetness. Not my, good kind but his.
What happened afterwards?
I didn’t speak for the second half of the date and I left without speaking. It made no difference.
What would you change about the evening?
You know who I’d like to meet? An emotionally unavailable guy, like mask-faced in his unreadability, for a change.
Will you see each other again?
In my experience true unrequited love fades as quickly as it arrived, when I ghost them.
