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Man hopeful girlfriend's French evening class will make her horny

A MAN whose girlfriend is taking evening classes in French is confident learning seductive new verbs will put her in the mood for sex. 

Tom Logan has convinced himself partner Donna Sheridan’s GCSE adult learning course will inevitably lead to an unprecedented midweek shagging session.

Logan said: “It just has to, doesn’t it? It’s the language of love. They even make potatoes sound sexy.

“She left in a T-shirt and track pants, but I imagine she’ll come home in a little black dress, leaning against the doorframe seductively and batting her eyelashes. I’m dimming the lights and putting on Serge Gainsbourg on to meet her halfway.

“Five minutes later we’ll be at it like rabbits, or lapins to use the lingo. I can’t wait. I’m bolting down my Taste The Difference coq au vin.”

Sheridan said: “Two hours of study after a full day of work, and I get home to Tom stinking of garlic playing shite 70s music in half-darkness. He hasn’t even done the f**king washing up?

“Then he’s whispering ‘faisons l’amour’ in my ear with pronunciation even worse than mine. It’s a language. I’m learning it to speak to our distributor in Marseille and get 90p an hour over the minimum wage. Get an erection from that.”

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Clarkson - just who we f**king need right now

WAKING with a painful cranium, fortunately the result of alcohol and not a half-brick to the back of the head like the amusing chap in Southport, I reflect on the troubling events of the past week.

With members of the racist far-right having spent the week looting, rioting and committing arson, I decide to appear on live TV to issue a plea to the agitators. 

‘In times of strife we must remember Our Lord’s message of peace and brotherly love. To those of you planning demonstrations against our Muslim friends or other people of colour, I plead that you come and talk to me personally so we can come to some resolution. My door is always open.’

Sure enough, the day riots are planned in London, a few of these far-right fellows do trickle through my door, tattooed, snorting hard, fists clenched. Upon which a handpicked team of my burlier clerks set about them and beat the living shit out of them. 

Currently they lie moaning in a pile in the crypt, but I have no doubt someone will attend to them eventually. And so I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that Robert Jenrick, possible future leader of the Conservative Party, has opined that anyone who shouts ‘Allahu Akbar’, meaning ‘God is great’, in the street should be arrested immediately.

Fuck me, you toad-faced, suited lump of dung, for fucking what? I mean, the night the BBC exit poll came in confirming you Tories were fucked, I rushed out into the street and shouted, ‘Thank God for that!’ You reckon I should have had my collar felt for that? Or is that alright because it’s the nice, white, bearded God? If you were some senile old Tory twat whose brain fossilised in the fucking 80s that’d be one thing but you’re barely fucking 40! You’re too young to remember Britpop properly! What next, Grandpa Jenrick, complaining about fucking decimal coins?

Kate Hoey, the former Labour MP now sitting in the House of Lords, replied sympathetically to a tweet by journalist Julia Hartley-Brewer after she was accused of helping foster the toxic anti-immigrant atmosphere that led to the riots. Hoey wrote: ‘It is ridiculous that people who discuss the scale of immigration and who worry about some groups’ failure to properly integrate get more flak than those who – without consent – presided over mass immigration.’

Jesus to Holy fuck and back on a fucking shitestick, what was a swivel-eyed, Brexit-pushing, dreadful fucking goon like you ever doing in the Labour Party? The only group who’ve failed to fucking integrate into modern Britain are the dense-as-pigshit, coked-up fucking collective human binfire that are the fucking rioters! As for Hartley-Brewer, you’ve spent 20 years shit-stirring and and now you wonder why the fucking U-bend is blocked? Give me fucking strength.

The theory of ‘two-tier policing’ has gained some traction this week. According to the likes of right-wing academic Matt Goodwin and Nigel Farage it means that left-wing demonstrators enjoy more lenient policing than the far-right.

Yeah? Well I’ll tell you what, there might be a fucking reason for that. When left-wing people demonstrate against, I don’t know, genocide, they manage to make their fucking point without setting fire to hotels, looting fucking Greggs and generally behaving like such appalling cunts the police have no option but to let their dogs bite their arses! Unfortunately the low fucking bar of ‘not burning a fucking library’ is a standard of behaviour the far-right are no more up to than keeping their fucking trackies pulled up!

Finally, Jeremy Clarkson has spoken out on the current state of affairs. ‘I’m surrounded by farmers, brickies and butchers and all I hear is, there’s too much immigration. The London elite calls them far-right thugs but they’re just normal people.’

Ah, pity poor Clarkson. Forced to eke out a living as best he can in one of the most deprived areas of Britain, the Cotswolds, noted for being fucking overrun by immigration. From his smallholding, as he digs for potatoes to subsist on with just his hoe, he stares out at what were once beautiful fields, now chock-full with mosques, with him and his builder, brickie and farming friends forced to submit to sharia law. Oh, get a grip you ironed-jeaned, copper-bottomed cunt, and stick with your crappy car programmes like some televised fucking mid-life crisis!

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