I spent a single afternoon with Penny Mordaunt and now I'm gay for her forever

By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist slightly to the right of Hitler

SEXUALITY? Straight as a die. No changing teams for me. Until I spent one afternoon with Penny Mordaunt, and now I’m her lesbian love-slave. 

The sheer magnificence of Mordaunt in all her glory – she stands 5ft 10ins in heels, but to me she seemed a 50-foot woman – overwhelmed my senses. I passed out. And when I awoke, the dream was still there.

‘Are you alright?’ she cooed, in a voice as soft as buttery lambskin concealing a core of tempered steel. ‘I love you,’ I told her. ‘I love you with a passion that blazes like a refugee boat set alight by the Navy, under your firm-but-fair command.’

Gracefully, our next prime minister passed over my unprofessional entreaties, instead telling me about her time as a magician’s assistant. The thought of her packed into a spangled leotard is too much for me and I spasm.

‘I was sawn in half,’ she continues, ‘I pulled rabbits out of hats, and now I’m ready to work my magic on the Tory party.’ A soft gurgle of pleasure is my only response.

‘And then, of course,’ she continues like a practiced seductress, ‘I joined the Navy.’ In my mind’s eye she’s dropped the leotard for a captain’s outfit, complete with jauntily-angled hat, and I renounce all other lovers without regret for the rest of my born days.

‘In a way the UK is like a ship,’ she says, in a statement so wise it should be chiselled on stone and worshipped. ‘The captain’s orders must never be questioned, those below decks should stay there, and dissenters should be keelhauled or marooned.’

The straightforward, plain-speaking obviousness of this statement hits me like a revelation. I know now there is only Penny, that she is the way and the light, and that I would crawl through a desert of broken glass merely to lick the back of her knee.

This isn’t like my previous infatuation with Boris Johnson. That was no more than a middle-aged woman’s teenage crush on a bad boy. I know that now. Just as I know that Penny is the captain of my clit and the master of my fanny.

I am gay for Penny. She is my domme and I am her sub. Cometh the hour, cometh the woman. And I came six times.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

When Conan the Barbarian was asked ‘what is best in life?’ and he replied ‘to crush your enemies, to see them driven before you and to hear the lamentations of their women’ when the correct answer was Mars Milkshake.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Ah, hot weather. So lovely in theory.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Weird to think that the singer from Hanson’s first gig was probably a Hanson gig. Weird and shameful.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Now he’s gone, it’s clear that Boris Johnson’s greatest achievement was giving homeworkers the phrase ‘go to the fridge and hack off a piece of cheese’ as a euphemism for wanking.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

There’s an alternate universe where AltaVista became the dominant search engine and people are going about telling each other to ‘Vista it’.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

As a city dweller, you have nothing but contempt for fancy country folk who don’t know how to lasso an Uber or what hours they muck out the Northern Line.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Imagine trying to explain cricket to a foreigner! Especially a foreigner from Australia who already knows the rules, you condescending prick!

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Your worst nightmare comes true at the school fete this week when you reach deep into the bran tub and another hand grasps yours.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

It’s ridiculous how many songs Snoop Dogg resorts to spelling his own name in. You could use it as an educational tool for pre-school kids if he didn’t spell it wrong.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

The footballers are decent at Euro 22 but the hooligans are shit. Shout ‘the referee’s got a bucket fanny’ or you’re disrespecting the game.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Evil clowns but still doing the same clown shit. Evil custard pies and tiny evil backfiring cars and an evil bungling wallpapering routine.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Celebrity news: that Geordie who punched a horse has moved in with cat bin woman. Her previous boyfriend, the owner of Fenton the dog, is furious.