WANNA know how to walk into any garden centre from Minshull’s in Crewe to Coopers of Bishop Stortford and f**king own the goddam place? Learn from a Hollywood legend like me.
Reverse park your Caddy
First you gotta reverse park your vintage 1959 Cadillac Coupe de Ville outside the joint like a don. Flash that blue badge so everyone knows you had hip replacement surgery in the 90s and they’ll step the f**k off. Unless they want a knuckle sandwich from big Alfredo P.
If the garden centre has valet parking, slip the young guys there a twenty to keep an eye on your wheels. They know it’s Al Pacino because I wear a full tux and carry my Academy Award for Scent of a Woman with me. You should do the same. I hate how everyone who visits a garden centre dresses like a beatnik.
Push that trolly like you stole it
When I worked on Heat, I learned some pursuit driving techniques for the car chase. So I put those skills to good use when I’m browsing the creosote and fence panels. You need fast reflexes to do a handbrake turn in a trolley piled high with tulip bulbs, four bags of topsoil and a £15.99 ceramic hedgehog. That spiky little sucker is gonna be one helluva a conversation starter. ‘Say hello to my leetle friend,’ I’ll say, hilariously.
Don’t be afraid to name-drop
I never forget my friends, so I’ll pick up some pet-friendly weedkiller for Diane Keaton. Or I might ask the assistant if they have a cold frame that would be suitable for Robert Duvall.
Make out with ladies working in the cafe
My visits can last up eight hours. What can I say, I still got that stamina. But I like to stop for a black coffee at the cafe and I use some of my killer lines on the Dorises behind the counter. As they’re serving me a scotch egg or cheese and onion quiche I’ll say: ‘You don’t have to watch your waistline, honey, because I’m watching it for you.’ Ladies eat that shit up.
If I stop at the florist’s, I’ll buy the biggest bouquet they have and then simply say ‘These are for you, sugar’ and hand them back. Then I put on my sunglasses and walk off. It’s sexual dynamite. It sure worked with Yvonne from the Dobbies in Carlisle. If you’re reading this, call me, baby.
Donate generously
As you exit the garden centre, all eyes are still on you. You’ve just spent a fortune on seeds, a new trowel and a freestanding water fountain featuring a full family of ducks. So you gotta pay something back to the neighbourhood. I drop a grand into the old plastic RSPCA donation spaniel they have near the automatic doors. The first few times I stuffed notes in, but now I make sure I have a thousand bucks in change to slowly and deliberately post into that sucker. Takes about an hour. Then I just jump back in the Caddy and jet back to Hollywood. The garden centre ain’t never gonna be the same again. You dig?
