Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Why not combine the seven deadly sins and the seven wonders of the ancient world? The Hanging Gardens of Sloths. The Great Pyramid of Gluttony. The Colossus of Lust.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Today is purple bin day. Remember to put all your hopes, dreams and aspirations inside.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

“And now, they bring out the veterans who spent their teenage years without internet pornography. This is a historic and touching moment, for there are so few of them left.”

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

So few people seize the opportunity to use their funeral – when they’re already in a wooden box before an audience – to be properly sawn in half.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Just because I’m a hypocrite doesn’t mean you get to be one as well.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

You fill in your details for a week’s free trial of a streaming service which broadcasts massive car crashes caught on Russian dashcams. To see if you like it.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Kamala’s vice-president pick very much relies on having positive memories of your PE teacher, doesn’t it? As opposed to still f**king hating him 40 years on.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

‘Go on then, f**k off,’ you shout at the migratory birds flying south for winter.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Weird seeing adult identical twins. You would have thought they would’ve grown up and stopped messing about by that stage.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

“Might sir be interested in a scalp massage with his haircut today? No? Well we’re doing it anyway, twat.”

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Roy Minton, who wrote the film Scum, has died aged 90. Raising the question of who’s the daddy? Who is the f**king daddy?

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th 

Of course the real Human Resources is organ harvesting.