Aries, March 21st–April 19th

New Year, new you. You’re getting into identity theft.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Your lucky number for this year is 5,305,421, so if you see it you know good fortune is coming your way! Your unlucky number is two.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

You’re halfway through Jordan Henderson’s autobiography when you realise you already know everything about his career and don’t give a fuck about his home life.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

The crab’s an outdated symbol for a star sign. Why not trade it in for something badass, like a cobra in a bowtie drinking an Old Fashioned?

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

You really fancy Brentford for the title this year. The title of your new perfume ‘Brentford, by Dior’.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

You could make moules mariniere with your eyes closed. It’s mussel memory.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

They’ve found the bin Prince Harry talked to on mushrooms and it says he’s cheapened their relationship by discussing it. There’s a photo of it looking very disappointed.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Why the fuck is Scandinavia so expensive anyway? It’s hardly Disney World, is it, a bunch of mooses and trees and shit?

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

The first issue of the partwork, at just 99p, comes with a real criminal brain! After that you’ll collect the 168 parts month-by-month to build your own Frankenstein’s monster.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Don’t bother starting that affair with your personal trainer. You both know that by mid-February you’ll have stopped turning up.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

It’s great we’re sending manned missions to the Moon again. After all, there was fuck all there last time but loads of stuff might have arrived while we’ve been gone.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Harry mentioned you in his autobiography. Not Prince Harry, mind, Harry Dennis from primary school. It’s a self-published memoir entitled All The Wankers I’ve Met.