LAURA Kuenssberg’s interview with the prime minister’s former SPAD was packed with explosive revelations we already knew. Here’s what he should have been asked:
Why are you such a twat?
Did your parents not give you enough attention, or were you so unpopular at school that your only friend was a BBC Micro? How are you still convinced you’re a genius when everything you do f**ks up? Why are you replying by leaning back saying ‘nobody can be 100% certain if I am a twat or not,’ like a twat?
What’s with the sneering?
Was your Mekon face born with a disdainful sneer plastered across it, or is it an uncontrollable reflex that only kicks in when you’re bitching about your old boss? You do realise that being superior to Boris f**king Johnson is no achievement, you self-important prick?
Why should we believe you this time?
You lied to win Brexit, you lied to win an election, you lied through your bastard teeth about the Durham road trip shitshow. So why should we believe a word? We only accept that Boris is an incompetent clown who should be desposed for Britain’s good because the evidence is overwhelming.
How jealous are you of Carrie?
I mean it’s obvious mate. When it comes to pulling the PM’s strings you were beaten at your own game. But do you also fancy him, a bit? Did he once fall asleep on your shoulder on the Vote Leave bus and you treasure the memory?
How badly did you f**k this up?
Less than two years ago you were the man behind an 80-seat Tory majority. Now you’re out of government, out of work, hated by the nation and hell-bent on a revenge mission which is achieving nothing. Could you have f**ked it more?
Johnson, Gove, Sunak: snog, marry, avoid?
Which is it, Cummings? Do you want to kiss Boris firmly on the lips? Could you see yourself spending life betrothed to wealthy Sunak? Surely everyone would avoid Gove? Answer the question, Cummings, you might as well, you’ve got nothing else to say that anyone gives a shit about.
