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We ask you: will you heartlessly punish blameless Tory councillors in tomorrow’s elections?

LOCAL Conservative councillors have done nothing wrong, so will you vengefully punish them for the sins of the national party in local elections tomorrow? 

Eleanor Shaw, charity head: “Sometimes you’ve got to hurt the innocent as a lesson to the guilty, and if the Tories don’t agree they should stop backing Israel.”

Martin Bishop, landscaper: “The head of our local Tory council is a lovely, principled man. Abhors immigrants, pro-death penalty for drug offences, hates the poor. But he can’t have my vote because the government’s let him down.”

Margaret Gerving, retired headteacher: “If you couldn’t use votes to punish people you hate for wildly misguided reasons democracy would never have taken off.”

Susan Traherne, cello teacher: “It’s senseless and vicious. I only hope those poor councillors have been able to buy 400 acres of local authority land for £1 as deserved compensation.”

Lucy Parry, eyebrow threader: “Where else am I to slake my anger democratically, now Euro MPs have gone?”

Museums should have pubs instead of gift shops, nation agrees

THE people of Britain agree that museums would be vastly improved by swapping out their gift shops with little pubs.

Seeing as they only sell overpriced fridge magnets and notebooks nobody ever uses, museums would lose nothing by ditching their gift shops in favour of a bar that serves a wide range of beers, spirits and salted snacks.

Stephen Malley from Bristol said: “We’re a polarised nation but this is one thing we can all agree on. Gut those gift shops, burn their unwanted stock immediately and stick some beer pumps in.

“Imagine washing down a trip to the SS Great Britain with a pint of bitter, or settling into an in-house snug after taking in the delights of the Kidderminster Railway Museum. It would easily be the highlight of your visit.

“They put coffee shops and Post Offices in the corner of everything these days, so why not this? They’d send footfall through the roof.”

Margaret Gerving from Southwark said: “If you can think of a better way to take the edge off trudging around the V&A than two swiftly-necked glasses of house white, I’d like to hear it.

“Don’t ruin it by installing a big sports telly or a fruit machine machine though. You just need a quiet bar where you can recover after looking at a bunch of boring, meticulously labelled old stuff. Even a dart board would f**k it up.”

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