subscribe
/ Sign Out

We ask you: how much of last night's debate did you get through before muttering 'f**k this' and turning off?

RISHI Sunak and Keir Starmer faced each other in a head-to-head debate last night. How much did you see before disgust overwhelmed you? 

Steve Malley, jeweller: “40 seconds. Once I realised they hadn’t replaced Starmer with Farage even though he’s the opposition now, I was done.”

Charlie Phelps, eyebrow threader: “Two-and-a-half minutes. Though to be fair in that time I was extremely impressed with how radically Love Island had switched up its format.”

Oli O’Connor, moped mugger: “19 minutes, but only because I was intrigued to see what barrel-scraping brands would advertise during that shite. Oven chips, if you’re interested.”

Wayne Hayes, security consultant: “None. I thought it was pay-per-view.”

Jo Kramer, teacher: “The whole thing, and then they didn’t even say who’d won. So that was a waste of f**king time.”

Parents thankful that child is just naturally rich

A WELL-off mother and father are feeling grateful that their child has the good fortune to be born wealthy, it has emerged.

Denys Finch Hatton and wife Francesca are relieved that their son Oliver’s life will be filled with opportunity, all because he had the grace and serendipity to be born with an exceptionally large bank balance.

Dad Denys said: “Ollie will never be the tallest kid in class, or the most handsome, or the best at sport. But he will have a second home in the south of France, and to my mind that’s the most important thing.

“While other children are battling over scholarships and bursaries, he’ll breeze through public school paying full fees. It won’t even make a dent in his net worth, the lucky devil.”

Oliver’s mother Francesca added: “I’m delighted to have it confirmed though we always suspected he might be. It’s not the kind of thing they can pick up on a prenatal scan but both Denys and I grew up fabulously privileged, so it makes sense that Oliver would inherit it, too. It’s in our genes.”

“I just hope it doesn’t prevent him from making chums at school. Children can be so cruel. I just hope they’ll see past any surface flaws to pal around with the boy who has both indoor and outdoor swimming pools.”

Next story ›