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UK achieves herd immunity of tolerating bullshit

THE public has been exposed to so much bullshit over the last year that nobody is surprised by it anymore, experts have confirmed.

From the big mistakes made at the start of the pandemic to the poor handling of the fuel crisis, the majority of the British public are now so used to lies and stupidity that the entire country has become immune.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The weary resignation that we’re completely f**ked as a nation is now so widespread that even a massive tax hike would fail to muster a grumble from most people.

“At this point Boris Johnson could break into your house, take a dump on your carpet and kick your cat, and you’d numbly accept it. In fact, the government’s approval rating would skyrocket.”

Voter Bill McKay said: “When the Tories swept to power I was worried we’d be overwhelmed with so much bullshit that we wouldn’t be able to cope. I should have trusted that this was their plan all along.

“Having been exposed to such an excess of incompetence that I don’t even notice it anymore, I can now go about my crap life without feeling like I need to topple the government.

“And if I do get a bit angry, I just remind myself it’s all Labour’s fault anyway.”

Have your partner's quirky traits crossed the line to become f**king unbearable?

WHICH of your partner’s once adorable quirks have developed into unacceptable character flaws? Find out with our quiz:

Their distinctive nasal laugh that you initially found cute has become profoundly grating. Do you:

A) Accept that it’s inherent to them, and remember to love them for it.

B) Broach the possibility of nasal surgery to make the tenor of their laugh more appealing.

At first you found their forgetfulness funny as it simply showed their mind was on other things. Now do you:

A) Continue to be forgiving of this, as you almost certainly possess some traits that equally infuriate them.

B) Feel annoyed that the rest of your life will be littered with petty arguments about how they’ve left the lid off the f***Ing butter again.

In the early days you chatted giddily through movies together. Now their insistence on talking during every film has become an issue. Do you:

A) Remind yourself that a harmonious relationship is far more important than the plot of yet another Avengers movie.

B) Inform them that if they insist on talking to you while at the cinema they will have to buy you a ticket to see the same movie again, alone, while they look after the children.

Their ability to quickly fall asleep at first gave you a chance to look lovingly into their dreaming face but now makes you inexplicably angry. Do you:

A) Understand that everyone’s body is different and they simply need more sleep.

B) Confront them by saying that they either have some mild form of narcolepsy which needs medical attention, or they’ve been pretending to be asleep to get out of doing chores in the evening.

In the beginning you found the way they would spontaneously burst into song endearing, despite their lack of ability. Now do you:

A) Accept that they aren’t trying to annoy you, singing is simply something that gives them joy.

B) Threaten to leave them if they wail even one more bar of sodding Titanium.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: While your partner has flaws, you know that no one is perfect and you try to look past their minor shortcomings for the sake of not having to break up with them and go through the faff of moving house.

Mostly Bs: You are an intolerant bellend and it is clear you are the problem in this relationship. They should be splitting up with you.

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