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Tories enter final phase of existence as they f**k over pensioners

THE Conservative Party has signalled it is entering the final stages of its 200-year existence by f**king over the last people in Britain who support it.

Having already used and abused farmers, the business community, the Red Wall and non-doms, the party has decided their sole remaining bloc of voters has had it too easy for too damned long.

Michael Gove, speaking through his puppet Jeremy Hunt, said: “Did you think you were immune or something? Nah. Pay up, economic dead weight.

“Pay income tax, pay care bills, and don’t expect to get any service from the NHS because we’ve brought it to its f**king knees. Should you fall ill, try to focus on how much your country would benefit by losing you from the pensions burden.

“You’re not going to win us the next election. Nothing could. So it’s time we soaked you for anything you’ve got coming in, anything you might have salted away and the triple-lock can suck my dick.

“Like a dying star, we’ve consumed everything possible to keep the Tories going. You’re all that’s left. By attacking you, are we effectively eating ourselves? Yes. Will we collapse into a political black hole destroying Britain in our wake? Yes. Don’t care.”

Margaret Gerving, aged 82, said: “I’m furious about this and will do anything to to stop it, as long as it doesn’t stop me voting Tory.”

Which celebrities would you forgive for cheating, and which could just f**k off?

CELEBRITY infidelity is in the news, so it’s worth considering how you’d react to top celebrities cheating on you. Which would you forgive, and who could just get their stuff and piss off?

Gwyneth Paltrow

Even if Gwyneth was full of regrets you’d have to listen to her New Age bullshit about ‘healing your compatibility chakras with conscious re-coupling’. Frankly it might be less grief to just dump her, even if she suggested a filthy making-up session with a Goop anal vibrator and ‘moonbeam oil’.

Kanye West

Probably time to call it a day. Kanye’s been accused of cheating before, plus you’re not into National Socialism, hopefully. But mainly you’d like to have a night out where you were allowed to wear knickers and your fanny didn’t get cold. Bye, Kanye.

Emma Stone

We’re not suggesting Emma has ever cheated on anyone, it’s just important to know what you’d do if the situation arose. It can be hard to rebuild trust after an affair, but on the other hand splitting up for good would make rewatching Zombieland incredibly upsetting, and you wouldn’t fancy checking out Poor Things either. Probably best to forgive and forget in this case.

Keanu Reeves

It’s hard to imagine Keanu cheating because he’s apparently a really nice guy, and he seemed pretty loyal to his wife in John Wick. Your friends would probably advise you to dump him then just start trying to cop off with him anyway, the bitches, so trust your own judgement and give the Hollywood A-lister a second chance.

Deliciously Ella

Let it go. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a better posh girl fantasy than Ella, and if you can gag down her sweet potato brownies on a regular basis you can live with a bit of cuckolding. 

Laurence Fox

You’d hold all the cards in this situation, because Loz’s career is f**ked and it’s unlikely his bank balance is looking very healthy. Maybe take him back on the strict condition he does all the shittest chores like cleaning the cooker and you have at least one night a week where you don’t talk about transgender people or Sadiq Khan.

Taylor Swift

Common sense dictates that it’s best to continue shagging Taylor Swift in any circumstances, but there’s another factor at play: how much kudos you’d get for ditching her. Your mates in the pub would – rightly – think you were a total alpha male with an admirable level of self-respect and you’d get bought loads of drinks. The only downside would be wanting to kick yourself in the bollocks for the rest of your life for dumping Taylor Swift.

Ed Sheeran

Whatever Ed’s shortcomings (ginger, seven albums), if he genuinely regretted cheating on you it would feel a bit callous get him out of your life permanently, like kicking a Fraggle in the face. Also if you broke his heart he’d write another f**king awful song about it, and you have a responsibility to society not to allow that to happen.

The Princess of Wales

Out of fairness to Kate you should ask if you in some way contributed to her unfaithfulness. Were you not doing your share of telling the servants to clean the bathrooms? Did you leave all the awkward smalltalk up to her last time you patronisingly visited a foodbank? Were you pestering her to put things up your bottom when she was tired from waving at people? These little everyday things can cause a rift in any relationship.

Keir Starmer

Keir struggles to look more human than a Thunderbirds puppet when he’s talking about f**king inflation, so any apology for cheating on you would be an incredibly embarrassing shitshow. He is hopeless at reading the mood, so he’d probably say something like: ‘If any offence has been caused then I can assure you I will be reviewing my policy on cheating so we can draw a line under this issue and move on.’ Your response, like an increasing number of the electorate, would probably be: ‘You can f**k off, and take those wankers Reeves and Streeting with you.’

Sophie Ellis-Bextor

Sophie is so nice she’d be wracked with guilt, so you’d get loads of Thorntons and breakfasts in bed at the very least. It would probably be okay to milk the situation for a couple of weeks, but after that you should really drop it or it makes you the bastard.

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