KEIR Starmer has quietly and modestly accepted his position as the poster boy of indifferent, apathetic change.
With Labour emerging victorious thanks to whoever could be bothered to vote in Tamworth and Mid Bedfordshire, the default winner Sir Keir is now set to lead a bland, unambitious revolution.
He said: “The message is soft and indistinct. People are quietly grumbling out for change, and that change looks like a slick side parting with a face that struggles to smile.
“Think of me as the Che Guevara of centrism. But instead of a snazzy beret I’m sporting a sensible, crowd-pleasing Windsor knot. It’s an inoffensive, grown-up look that will be plastered all over student t-shirts in no time.
“What does my dispassionate revolt stand for? Well, you’ll just have to wait and see. But whatever you believe in, it vaguely looks like that. Even Brexit. Rest assured I’m on your side. Kind of.
“Heavy is the head that wears the crown of indifference though. If I’m not careful then the unenthusiastic toleration of voters could sour into bitter acceptance. That’s why I’m refusing to get too excited just yet.
“Oh, and rest assured, that glitter thing was a freakish one-off. Nothing that spontaneous or exciting will ever happen again. Not on my watch.”
