THE government could not be less interested in the cost-of-living crisis. But people keep asking about it, so MP Martin Bishop has some ideas.
Turn off the internet at night
Nobody uses the internet at night, apart from lazy work-from-homers binge-watching Netflix before their noon start the next day. So let’s turn it off at 10pm, saving billions in electricity and data bytes on household bills. If broadband providers pass on the savings. We’ve left that up to them.
Passport avoidance bonus
Sick of paying £82 for a passport? Also sick of foreigners and their sneering refusal to recognise Brexit means we’re better? Cash in by not getting a passport, refusing to waste money and time outside our shores, and get a £15 bonus every three years. Ker-ching.
No more roads
Which isn’t to say no more cars. Rather we are unshackling motorists from the tyranny of the highways and their bewildering laws, most of which are the EU’s fault. From now on you can drive wherever you wish and take shorter as-the-crow-flies routes across fields, gardens and playgrounds, saving petrol.
Shoe leather clawback
Wear-and-tear on shoe soles is one of the biggest costs hypothetical jobseekers face annually. A new app allows you to log every legitimate step walked while searching for employment and claim the cost back at 0.01p a mile. That cash is going right in your back pocket.
Round-averaging injunctions
Finances drained by a friend not paying for their round? Simply apply, along with a minimum of four co-applicants, for a injunction with receipts for all rounds bought in a three-year period and receive an average of the money you’ve been cheated out of as a rebate. That’ll cover the bills.
90 per cent off all fines for corporate criminal liability
Found guilty of criminal liability at one of the public limited companies you run? Looking at losing the house in the Cotswolds you own through a system of shell companies? Get 90 per cent off that fine and rest easy. Because the Tories know what matters to ordinary people.
