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UKIP votes to support staying in Europe

THE UKIP conference has voted to campaign for staying in Europe after all.

Members changed their minds because of the Greek bailout, the refugee crisis and party treasurer Norman Steele’s recent holiday in Portugal, which he described as ‘very pleasant’.

Steele said: “When we saw not just a government but a democratic referendum overruled in favour of good old-fashioned austerity in Greece, a few of us started to have doubts.

“Then, when millions of refugees arrived, we became concerned that if we left the EU we might not get our fair share of these poor, hard-working souls.

“We all agreed that our campaign to exit the EU was just a disproportionate reaction to how upset we were at the abolition of duty free.”

UKIP leader Nigel Farage said: “Hey, you know me. I’m easy. It’s not like the whole anti-Europe thing was really working for us anyway. We can just lop off the ‘dependence’ and become the ‘UK In Europe Party’.

“And it should mean we attract fewer racists.”

Pope ends speech with rousing chorus of Mobb Deep’s ‘Hit it From the Back’

POPE Francis has wowed the United States Congress with a rendition of his favourite hip-hop track.

After a speech on reconciliation and respect, the Pontiff launched into a raw, uncensored version of Hit it From the Back by controversial New York duo, Mobb Deep.

Congressman Martin Bishop said: “It was magical. His Holiness had stopped talking and we were about to applaud when the bass kicked in.

“Before we knew it, God’s representative on earth was telling us ‘I used to hit raw daddy, but now I carry packs of three’.”

The initial shock was quickly overpowered by the Pontiff’s sick rhymes, and soon the whole congress was waving their hands in the air and shouting ‘hit it from the back, hit it from the back’.

Congresswoman Eleanor Shaw said: “It’s a filthy, horrible song, but we’re filthy, horrible people.

“That Pope knows his motherfucking audience.”

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