subscribe
/ Sign Out

Tony Blair helpfully describes Remain voters as ‘insurgents’

TONY Blair has helped out British politics by calling Remain voters ‘insurgents’ who must ‘mobilise’. 

Both sides of the Brexit debate have thanked the former prime minister for framing it in loaded terms that will bring out the best in everyone.

Healthcare worker Helen Archer said: “Let’s see. So on one side we’ve got the Brexit crew already calling anything they don’t like treason and waving flags.

“On the left we’ve got the disturbed followers of a cultish messiah who want the result of a popular vote to be overturned, followed by the overthrow of capitalism.

“And a deposed ruler who started two unending wars for the sake of his ego is telling us it’s a war?

“Great. No problem. Just checking I know where we’re headed.”

Blair said: “My primary role, in and out of government, has been to boost sales for the UK arms industry and that will not change.”

Teacher unsure about getting smashed eighth night running

A TEACHER unsure if he can manage an eighth straight night of drinking acknowledged that half-term gives him little choice. 

29-year-old secondary school teacher Tom Booker told friends that, despite the debilitating physical effects, he feels honour-bound to spend the last nights of his holiday drinking until 3am and sleeping in until 1pm.

Booker continued: “It’s a job with responsibilities, and one of those responsibilities is making the most of a week off in October.

“Some of my colleagues take walking holidays or pop to Center Parcs with the kids, but I’m single and not outdoorsy so I spend the week getting shitfaced.

“Two more nights to get through, then on Sunday I have a big roast dinner and a bath and rock up Monday like I spent the whole time marking homework.”

Booker added: “Plus one of the year 12 lads has been in the pub every night so far, so to maintain discipline in the classroom I need to show I’m more hardcore than he is.”

Next story ›