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Sun Readers To Vote For Football And Tits

THE readers of Britain's biggest newspaper last night threw their electoral support behind lots more football and great big bouncy titties.

As Gordon Brown gave the speech of David Cameron's life, the Sun said it was backing the Tories after 12 years of aggressively right-wing editorials which bore no relation whatsoever to its support for the Labour Party.

But Roy Hobs, a Sun Reader from Peterborough, insisted his vote would not be swayed by a newspaper endorsement, adding: "My goodness, they do look incredibly bouncy today, don't they?"

Stephen Malley, a football enthusiast from Doncaster, added: "If they do not come up with a 72-page weekly supplement featuring re-enactments of every premier league goal using half naked tarts with massive charlies I probably won't even bother voting as usual."

And Nikki Hollis, a Sun reading female from Hatfield, said: "I likes the gossips and the telly and the lady what tells you how to make the problems stop. My horrorscope says I'll probably vote for the BNP."

Media analyst Tom Logan stressed it was a bold move by the Sun, adding: "They have clearly thought long and hard about the state of the country and now feel it is their patriotic duty to back the party that is obviously going to win anyway.

"If I was David Cameron I would seize this historic opportunity to tell Rupert Murdoch to piss up a rope, but he won't because, like all our political leaders, he really is a male prostitute who will do incredibly dirty things in a public toilet for five quid and a chocolate Hobnob."

At the Labour conference in Brighton Gordon Brown was given an emotional introduction by his wife Sarah before asking voters to give him the chance to destroy the world again.

Mrs Brown told delegates: "My husband is not a freak. Okay, he is a freak, but he's my freak. He's a bit noisy, a bit messy and he draws horribly disturbing pictures on the wall with crayons the colour of blood.

"But he still goes to bed every night thinking about all the people who have wronged him and how one day he will make those disturbing pictures come to life.

"I am really looking forward to spending a lot more time with him."

Mr Hobbs added: "Bouncy, bouncy, ever so bouncy."

Cats 'loose' in Britain

SIGHTINGS of small carnivorous cats, often with tabby or ginger fur, are on the increase, it was claimed last night.

Recent evidence includes a blurry photograph of a black-and-white coloured male cat, or ‘tom’, taken in a house, and a masticated vole carcass discovered near Swindon.

Cat experts believe that the creatures escaped from travelling sideshows in the early 1900s and have since formed breeding colonies.

Small cat expert Julian Cook, said: “Travellers would come through rural areas with makeshift circuses. They would have small big tops in which cats wearing waistcoats and trilbies would perform Vaudeville dance numbers with the help of wires attached to their paws.

“However the Queen passed a law known as the Cats Act, which made it illegal for anyone to own a cat without signing onerous forms. The travellers were unable to read or write and thus released their cats into the wild.”

Cat sightings continue to rise around the UK and attract passionate interest among the sort of people who arrive very early at car boot sales and subscribe to Combat magazine.

Tom Logan, a 33-year-old Brighton plumber, claims to have seen a white cat with a bit of black on it on his window sill.

“It was about the size of a small labrador puppy. It stared at me for about three minutes, bold as brass, before jumping silently off of the window ledge.

“The animal then did a little piss on my lawn before retreating towards a neighbouring house, where it disappeared through a small square hole with a sort of plastic flap that had been cut in their door.

“Naturally I rushed over to warn them. But they were out, so I left a note.”

He added: “Everyone says I’m mental, but I know what I saw.”

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