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Rees-Mogg arrives at Commons in trainers, track pants, and sleeveless 'SQUAT GOALS' top

LEADER of the Commons Jacob Rees-Mogg has arrived at Westminster in his gym clothes because it is Saturday, he has confirmed. 

Rees-Mogg entered parliament in white running shoes, black track pants, a lime-green sleeveless top bearing the slogan ‘SQUAT GOALS’ and a matching headband, asserting that since it was the weekend the normal dress code did not apply.

He continued: “It’s Saturday, yeah? Should be liftin’ with my doggz, not stuck in this hole.

“If they’re making the Moggman work on a Saturday then the Moggman’s gonna wear what the Moggman wears on a Saturday. Outside hours, innit?

“Hopefully we can get this shiznit wrapped up and I can get back down the weight room, do a couple hours on my quads, chillax then log onto Fortnite for the evening. New map is hardcore.

“Okay, whatevs, I’ll get changed. Fash state, seriously.”

Rees-Mogg then entered an anteroom before emerging in a three-piece pinstriped suit and said: “Now, gentlemen. May we proceed to the business of the House?”

Are you droning on about your problems enough?

EXAGGERATING your problems to get attention has finally been given a trendy name, ‘sadfishing’. Here’s how to get the most out of this worthwhile activity.

Channel your manipulative inner child

Remember when you cut your knee and cried for ages to get sweets? You were ‘sadfishing’ your mum. Use a similar technique now, eg. if you’re a bit glum at work, sit there sighing suicidally until colleagues are forced to bring you some cake or take you for a pint.

Be organised with your problems

It’s easy to feel sorry for yourself, ring a friend and drone on for ages. Stop. Instead make a spreadsheet containing ALL your friends and ALL your problems. Then work through them systematically so that no one misses out on your deep sadness at needing to get your boiler fixed.

Make yourself look sadder online 

Sad face emojis are no longer enough. Instead post pictures of your own depressed face, which you’ve prepped by repeatedly poking yourself in both eyes. For every burst blood vessel you’ll get 10 more ‘U OK hun?’s. 

Self-define as ‘brave’

Post a ‘brave’ no make-up selfie, even though it took hours to look like you had no make-up on. Alternatively make a ‘brave’ confession like not having many friends when you were 12. People won’t dare to point out it’s not really ‘brave’ like taking on an armed robber.

Watch out for opportunities to be miserable

If you see someone else sadfishing, join in and escalate it until it’s all about you. They’re upset their pet has died? Jump in and tell them about every dead pet you’ve ever had. It’s fine to make up a few childhood guinea pigs, and even a beloved dog.

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