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Fill the Channel with sharks: Priti Patel's migrant defence plan in full

YOU call them migrants. I call it an invasion worse than anything the Nazis planned so our shores must be defended by any means necessary. And I’m home secretary. 

Fill the Channel with sharks

Global warming isn’t all bad if it means that a thriving population of bull sharks can be nurtured between here and France. A Channel absolutely teeming with them will deter migrants and protect us from Spanish fisherman after our sovereignty.

Razor wire and landmines

The Kent coast is one of England’s treasures, and can only be enhanced in the eyes of patriots by a 30ft razor wire fence defending a strip of landmines. Boy Scouts will patrol it night and day to earn their xenophobia badges, and regular explosions will gladden hearts.

Paint ‘Welcome to Syria’ on the White Cliffs of Dover

Migrants are easily fooled, and won’t believe their rotten luck when they see this and realise they’ve travelled in a big circle. The best part is they’ll only realise they’ve been tricked when they get back to Damascus.

Weaponise Nigel Farage

These scum are terrified of their natural enemy, Nigel Farage. Straw blazer-clad effigies holding a pint and smoking B&H lining our beaches will be such a repellent, toxic sight they’ll turn back immediately.

Trident

We shouldn’t be afraid to use our nuclear deterrent only a few miles from our own shores. If fallout and radiation poisoning scare us, imagine what it’ll do to them. Any price is worth paying for Britain’s safety.

Make the UK an undesirable place to live

Making the UK an inhospitable economic wasteland rampant with Covid will soon stem the tide. How else can you explain Conservative policy over the last decade? We’re not doing this just for fun, you know.

A-level student can't wait to find out what his teacher guessed his grades were

AN A-LEVEL student has admitted he is on tenterhooks to find out what his teachers took a wild guess at his results being. 

Oliver O’Connor knows that his whole future could depend on whatever grade his teachers stuck a pin in back in May, and really hopes they got it right.

He said: “Pretty sure Mr Brennan who does law realised that while on the surface I preferred bunking off down the park to smoke weed, I’m one of those students who pulls out all the stops before the exams and does unexpectedly well.

“And while I may not have known all the facts in history, my fundamentals were strong and a few all-nighters on the ProPlus would have seen me sail through. Mrs Heydecker would have spotted that.

“English Language I’ll obviously get an A, because it’s a free ride of a subject which I’m confident Mr Harvey recognised. So if their assessments align with mine, I’ve got my place at Exeter Uni.

“Fingers crossed hoping they guessed right. There’s a lot riding on this. But they’re well-paid professionals, they’ll have taken it very seriously.”

Mr Brennan said: “Oliver who? Haven’t the faintest clue who he is. I probably put him down for a C.”

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