subscribe
/ Sign Out

Cameron’s retro Thatcherism to include Golf cabriolets and Howard Jones

HARD-WORKING British families will be driving Golf Cabriolets and wearing white socks if the Conservatives are re-elected.

David Cameron’s pledge to bring back the ‘feel good days of Thatcherism’ will also include shoulder pads, pegged trousers and a ‘massive and concerted national effort’ to get Howard Jones to record a new album.

Cameron said: “I have dusted off my Flip USAF trenchcoat and am very much looking forward to a post-election celebration that may involve going to a restored Victoria Venue to dance around on one leg to the Thompson Twins.”

Chancellor George Osborne said restoration of the one pound note could lead to a further drop in inflation.

“Paper money is much easier to count, and far harder to throw at beggars, so people hold onto it for longer, bringing prices down. The cost of a Breville toasted sandwich maker will fall to pre-Top Gear levels.”

But Labour leader Ed Miliband attacked the Tory plans for failing to include anti-apartheid discos and ‘Joan Collins and Linda Evans having a big, sexy catfight on Dynasty’.

Hamilton ‘besmirched Formula 1’s code of chivalry’

LEWIS Hamilton’s champagne-spraying of a race ‘hostess’ has broken his sport’s core principle of utmost respect for women.

Hamilton’s uncouth behaviour shocked the F1 community, which prides itself on impeccable moral standards especially where ladies are concerned.

Formula 1 fan Tom Logan said: “People think Formula 1 is just a sport for lazy bastards who want to experience a sense of fast movement while sitting on the sofa, but it actually has a noble chivalric tradition.

“When young women in hot pants and crop tops are paraded trackside, they are there to be appreciated on a spiritual level as a pure, chaste ideal of beauty, like Michelangelo’s David.

“To even cast a lascivious glance at one of these earthly goddesses is highly disrespectful, much like with the sexy women you get at fancy car shows.

“Another driver will probably now challenge Hamilton to a duel to the death to restore the lady’s honour.”

F1 boss Bernie Ecclestone said: “Hamilton has been banished to a monastic cell underneath Formula 1 headquarters, where he is reading Haynes manuals in an act of silent contemplation.”

Next story ›