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Boris Johnson both Tory and Labour secret weapon

THE Conservatives and Labour have unveiled Boris Johnson as their secret weapon.

The Tories are hoping his bumbling, mop-headed Bertie Wooster-style persona will convince voters the party does not consist solely of thin-lipped, dead-eyed monsters and that Tory governments are ‘fun’.

Meanwhile, Labour is hoping his bumbling, mop-headed Bertie Wooster-style persona will mobilise voters who hate public schools and everything they stand for.

A Tory spokesman said: “He’s the cuddly teddy bear of corporate-friendly politics. He’ll get out and about, letting people take selfies with him and rubbing his tummy for good luck.”

A Labour spokesman said: “He’s the chubby stooge of corporate-friendly politics. He’ll get out and about, telling people that bankers are brilliant and generally being an unbearable git.”

Johnson said: “I suppose I’d prefer a Tory government, but if Cameron Minor loses then it’s my turn next. So I’m happy to help.

“Would anyone like me to ride my bike into the river and then blame it on the French?”

Real-life Hulk only transforms when on hold to call centres

A MAN who turns into the Hulk has revealed it never happens when he actually needs it.

32-year-old Nathan Muir admitted that every time his powers would be useful, for example when he was recently mugged, he finds it impossible to summon fury because of his abject terror.

He said: “Put me in front of three teenagers with knives demanding my iPhone and my inner Hulk is cowering somewhere at the back of my psyche while I beg for my life.

“But when I hear the phrase ‘replacement bus service’, I soon find myself 30 miles away at the end of a trail of devastation, nude but for my elasticated purple trousers.”

Muir says the condition makes many aspects of modern life impossible including booking with Ryanair, querying mobile phone charges and driving on the M6.

He added: “Remember when four square miles of Swansea got destroyed in March? That was when my packet of Nik Naks got caught in the spiral of a vending machine.”

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