subscribe
/ Sign Out

Obama regrets promising new Game of Thrones book

PRESIDENT Obama made a number of rash, personalised promises to voters, it has emerged.

Camera phone footage shows Ohio voter Tom Logan telling Obama that what he wants most is a new book in the popular Game of Thrones fantasy saga.

The president replies: “That’s not a problem. It’ll be a good one too, loads of dragons.

“Just put your cross in the box and leave it to Obama.”

The footage also shows Obama promising 38-year-old Mary Fisher that he will ‘stop her brother Phil being such a piece of shit’ and to get welder Roy Hobbs a nice, clean girlfriend.

Tom Logan said: “In his victory speech there was all the stuff about the economy and the environment, but Game of Thrones, or to give it its proper name A Song of Ice and Fire, wasn’t even mentioned.

“Where are his priorities now?”

A White House source said: “The president has emailed author George R R Martin twice, using block capitals in the subject heading, but George must be on holiday or something.

“Now this has re-emerged, Obama’s had to start writing the book himself. Right now it’s the last thing he needs, he’s missing loads of meetings about Iran because he’s stuck on a giant wolf battle.”

 

 

I waited until my wife left, then whipped out a pot of Onken

Dear Holly,

The wife is suffering terribly from a yeast infection so the physical side of our marriage has ground to a halt. I’d heard natural yoghurt could be the answer, so I waited until my wife went out then took a pot of Onken into the bedroom, but the experience was a letdown. What now?

George

Windsor

Dear George,

If your wife was in my class, you wouldn’t be wallowing in self pity like you seem to be just now because you’d be far too busy making a mockery of aforementioned affliction. At school, it only takes a big pair of specs and a crap coat from M&S to make you a laughing stock. Anything which makes you look, smell or sound funny is up for grabs, and so you might want to spend some time thinking of a suitable nickname for your wife: may I suggest something subtle yet cutting, like ‘fusty flaps’ or ‘scadge vag’. Make sure you shout it at her at least fifteen times a day so the name sticks, reinforcing your verbal campaign with a post-it note or two on her back and maybe even carve it into some of her property. And never forget the opportunities afforded by Facebook and Twitter: once you gather momentum you might want to consider going cyber, and let everyone in the world know your wife’s got an itchy moo-moo.

Hope that helps,

Holly

 

 

Next story ›