NIGEL Farage has volunteered to be, in times of war, the head Army quartermaster diverting vital supplies for his own personal profit.
The Reform UK leader, who was unable to appear at yesterday’s debate on Ukraine because of a prior commitment making his Trump and Putin dolls kiss, believes he is the natural choice to run military supply lines.
He explained: “I’d be behind the counter taking in shipments of drones from EU suppliers then telling old beef-face Starmer ‘Drones? Naw, mate, these are drains! Terrible problem with flat-roofed pubs in the North.’
“Then, minute he’s gone, my old mate Vlad who’s been hiding dressed as a shrub pops out and says ‘You haf drones?’ and we agree to ship them over to Belarus labelled as air-fryers.
“Then I only go and bet the money on big Don, my American pal, who’s claimed he can pull a truck 200ft and I stand to double my cash if he does. But he lets go of the truck and it crashes into the officer’s mess where Angela Rayner’s losing at strip poker.
“She grabs a tarpaulin to cover herself, all the air fryers fall out and they were drones all along! Old Nige is in hot water! I have to disguise myself as the Emin of Qatar to get out of it, and further hilarity ensures.”
He added: “Joking aside, I would sell anything I could to the black market and undermine the war effort tirelessly. Because those are my principles.”
